Monday, October 21, 2013

Telling your traditional Indian parents about your intercultural relationship

(Husband-ji & his parents)

One of the most challenging milestones in an Indo-intercultural relationship is the process of telling the Indian parents about your foreign girlfriend/boyfriend.

A lot of people don't realize how difficult and complicated this process is, until you are in a relationship with an Indian. It requires a LOT of sensitivity, and timing is also key. Many foreign partners do not understand this process and can get very impatient. It can be the source of a lot of stress in an intercultural relationship - especially for the Indian partner, most of all...

Indian parents are not your average parents. Many are basically helicopter parents - on steroids. Many are typically heavily involved in all their children's life choices - from career, to choice in spouse, and they even meddle in their children's hopes and aspirations. A lot of Indian families have a closeness that Western families do not have - whether it is by living together in joint families, or celebrating one of the many Indian holidays together - a sense of constant "togetherness". However, oftentimes, along with that closeness comes co-dependence and Indian parents can be so involved in their child's life that they can project their own hopes and dreams onto their child - and the child is raised to please, instead of make their own choices first. Duty and obligation to one's family is strived for in traditional Indian families.

With all of these factors, it is no surprise that most of our Indo-intercultural relationships blossom when the Indian partner is living abroad, away from their parents - and is able to be free, away from prying eyes, and able to make their own decisions. 

Lately, via email - I have gotten so many letters for advice from other Whindian couples about how to tell the parents. For this post, I also consulted dear husband-ji & my trusted traditional Telugu MIL. Here are their tips...

Tips for telling the traditional Indian parents:

Timing is key
There is a distinct order of events within traditional Indian families - sisters must be married first, eldest to youngest; then brothers, eldest to youngest (providing they are all of a marriageable age). A marriageable age for an Indian guy is different than an Indian girl. Most Indian girls can get married at any time - the younger, the better, it is thought traditionally. Indian guys are of a marriageable age once they have finished their education and have a steady job. Even if the wife intends to continue working, it is widely thought that the Indian guy must "stand on his own two feet" and be able to financially support his wife. So, before being deemed "marriageable", he'd have to at least be working for a year or so. If your Indian boyfriend is still in school, still financially relying on his family - then it's nearly impossible to tell the parents at that time. The waiting game during this time is hard - but you have no choice. There's a distinct order...

No "love talk"
It is taboo in many traditional Indian families to speak of love, lust, dating, or members of the opposite sex in front of your parents. Traditional Indian elders are very taboo about dating, sexuality, and public displays of affection - especially before marriage. Many elders are extremely uncomfortable with this and they think openly having a girlfriend is "lusty" and distracts the child away from their studies/job. Not openly discussing one's feelings means there is so much that is kept hidden, and secret. 

Secrets are commonplace
Unless something is absolutely certain to happen, people will usually keep it a secret. In Western culture, secrets are seen as being something to be embarrassed of. In traditional Indian culture, it's a norm, because there is so much that cannot be expressed openly. If your Indian boyfriend is keeping you a secret until he finishes his studies, do not feel embarrassed. It may be that he is protecting both you, and him from harassment for the time being. I know from experience - "girlfriend" status (as a foreigner) - can be treated by some as no better than dirt on the road!

Plant the seed first...
The best way to tell Indian parents is to first tell that you have "a foreign friend". That way the parents are alerted of your existence and have their radar up. That way, when you're finally ready to tell the parents that you intend to marry, you can say, "I've known this person for ___ long". Not only that, but it gives traditional parents time to get used to your existence in their child's life. To be kept absolutely secret is not a good thing. Give the parents time to get used to the idea. And FYI...even though many things are not spoken about openly...Indian parents know much more than they let on!

DO NOT just dump it on them
The worst thing you can do is say "I have a girlfriend" and leave it at that. Absolute hell will break out. Watch out for all the emotional blackmail coming your way ("You're the reason why I have high blood pressure" etc.) Once you're financially secure, tell them you "intend to marry" your foreign partner. For many traditional Indian parents, a "girlfriend" means "not committed". It is absolutely crucial with this introduction of a possible foreign spouse - to get off on the right foot. It is every traditional Indian parents worst nightmare to have their child come to them and say, "I'm eloping with my foreign girlfriend tomorrow - are you going to approve or not" Remember, slow and steady wins the race...

Tell the sane practical parent first
In many families, there will be a more practical parent, and a more emotional parent (if you have two emotional parents - you're screwed!) Whichever is the more practical parent - tell them first. Why? Because the emotional parent may go bat-shit crazy and if you can get the practical parent on your side - it can subdue the other parent AND help convince them. Parents should be told one-on-one to prevent them from ganging up on you. Usually if you tell the practical parent first - they will do the difficult job of telling the emotional parent AND dealing with their dramatics. If you think you're going to have a difficult time, then you may need extra allies to help you out. If you have a close sibling or a cousin who is more modern-thinking, they may be able to help convince the parents and/or help diffuse the situation. Whatever you do, DO NOT tell the gossipy family members! If the parents find out from anyone other than you, there's going to be major trouble...

The power of convincing
Once you're ready to tell the parents, you have to be extremely strong and adamant in convincing them. It may even take years to convince them, and you must not give up, ever. Traditional Indian parents may resort to abusive techniques like emotional blackmail or disowning you, out of desperation. Be firm and stand your ground. It's your life, after all - and love is certainly worth fighting for. You have to learn how to convince like a district attorney in the highest courts! Learn what the parents' points of opposition are and work with that. For example, "Western culture has so many divorces" - you can say, "she doesn't believe in divorce", or "her parents have been married for 30 years", etc. 


* I would also add to this list that I have noticed a difference in the way guys / girls are treated. Indian girls are much more protected by their families (choices more controlled) and for some reason, when many tell their parents about their intercultural relationship - their parents think that they are acting out of lust and do not trust their decisions. It is much more difficult if you are an Indian girl, than an Indian guy (most guys can get away with almost anything - that's the way it goes in a patriarchal culture!)

There is not much the foreign partner can do in the initial stages - which can be frustrating. First, there's the waiting game (which feels endless), then there's the initial stages of the parents freaking out (in which you can do nothing but keep your mouth shut), and then slowly (usually after marriage, or with a wedding date set) you can start to build a relationship with the Indian parents. In those initial stages of the parents' being shocked, the only thing you can do is focus on your relationship with your Indian partner because they will be going through a lot with their family. Find comfort in each other during those difficult times and make your relationship stronger. During those initial stages - nothing will help you - not even learning the language, cooking, culture - that will only come in handy in the later stages. 

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So, what about you, dear readers? How did you tell your Indian parents and how did it go? What tips can we add to this list for other Whindian couples?


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216 comments

  1. He he he - funny, interesting and well-written piece, Alexandra:-) Also in a cross-cultural marriage, I can relate to some parts of this:-) Best to you:-)

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    1. Thanks so much Eli :) Where is your hubby from?

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    2. Alexandra do you have a contact email? Need advice pleaseee

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    3. Alexandra do you have an email contact. I need advice pleasseeee

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    4. Hello I have been in a relationship for almost two years with a Indian man and he is planning on coming to USA to marry me through k1 visa his parents don't know anything about me other than he has an " american friend " and he's telling them he is trying for a job visa he said they are ok with it I asked him when he plans on telling them about me he said when he is here in USA after marriage that way they can't block our future plans I am trying to b understanding but I am also uneasy about his reasons why I am a secret cause of other stories I've read online can you give me any advice???

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    5. When i just read your name "Cali girl", i misspelled it as "Call Girl". Sorry :)

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  2. Thank you for this! This is pretty accurate even when the word "Indian" is replaced with "Sri Lankan".

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    1. Yes, any kind of desi! Also could help different communities mixing.

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    2. Hi Alexandra,

      I cannot even begun to explain how true every word of this article is. I am living and studying in Australia where I've met the lovr of my life. We've been now living in for 8 months (obviously my parents dont know) and we are qhite serious. Since I am graduating soon and the search for potential suitors has started we finally have decided to break the news to my parents. I know all hell will break loose and my parents might abandon me. I work 2 jobs and financially secure for my basic needs but my boyfriend gets a bit impatient at times, especially since I want to break the news first while he wants to meet them right away! I am ready to accept my parents decision to abandon me while he's not and he'd rather break up. It's hard for him to understand how stuff works which is also making him a bit insecure about us. I don't know how do I explain him, this is a daily speil for us Indian girls!!

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  3. I am in almost same situation as you were. It's uncanny. My boyfriend is a telugu brahmin from Andhra Pradesh. His mom is very emotional and his dad is more sane.. I mean practical. My name is even Alexandra! Murthy has gone back to India for the holidays, and plans to tell his parents around the first week of January. I am sick with worry and haven't been sleeping well. I ran arcoss your blog while looking up 'telling Indian parents about white girlfriend' and have read quite a bit this past week. Merry Christmas!

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    1. Hi Alexandra :))))
      Is he from Hyderabad?
      I'm so happy to connect with others like us!
      That is so exciting that he is telling his parents - how exciting and nerve-wracking! That is a big step.....wish you guys' luck!
      Merry belated Xmas & happy new year to you guys too!
      xo

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    2. He's from Bhimavaram, it's kinda close to Hyderabad. Murthy talks about going to Hyderabad all the time. I am just counting the days until he comes back. I have been reading your blog non-stop, it's really great. Hope your new year is great!

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    3. Oh, that is quite a small place! My MIL is from Guntur, which is near to there. We drove from Hyderabad to Guntur and Vijayawada to visit relatives on my first trip. It is a nice, quaint, coastal place - kind of reminds me of Massachusetts or something. It is a very long drive from Hyderabad, about 8 hours, on a rickety "highway" with tons of potholes!
      My MIL is a Telugu brahmin also, a Niyogi. Her family comes from Guntur.
      Let me know how it goes with his parents! They may freak out at first, but they'll get over it....we may be in India at the same time in the future! :)

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    4. Hey Alexandra,

      Murthy's is back from India now. He told his father about me, but I don't think he took it seriously. His main concerns were that the relatives would be weird about it. lol. His dad, older sister, and mom all had a sit down with him about it, but we're not really sure if his mom knows exactly. She just sat there and didn't say anything. at all. Murthy was expecting her to freak out, because she's usually very emotional about her son. So that was concerning. His sister and dad even threatened not tk send him back if he was going to do something 'stupid' I.e. marry me in secret. (which he would never do). So.. his dad was cool about it, but I think he thinks it's a phase or something, his sister is the one being really against it (she found out about us a few months ago and got really mad at Murthy, even trying to forbid him from telling his parents), and his mom is silent. Not sure what to think. :/

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    5. @alexandra sears - hmmmmm that is weird that his sister is against it. Is she married yet?
      Mothers know more than you think they do....could be she has not formed an opinion about it yet.
      First telling's usually go like that, it is common, it is only Murthy's job & yours to just remain committed and stand the test of time. They will see & get used to you guys! And they will surely change their mind once you meet in person!

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    6. Yes, she is married. I think she's been married for four years or so, and has a really cute three year old son. Murthy loves his little nephew (that man would steal every baby if given the chance). I told my stepmom about his sister being against it, and she came up with the idea that she's just jealous because she had an arranged marriage, so Murthy should too. I think it's probably because she's afraid an American woman wouldn't take care of her parents. His parents are going to come to the US sometime this year, and the mere thought makes me die of fear! I'm so nervous. Do you have any suggestions for making a good first impression (or at least not making a bad one) ?

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    7. Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. I lost my beloved parrot less than a week after Murthy got back, and I really haven't done anything but sob and go to class.

      To answer your question, yes his sister is married, she's Murthy's Akka. She actually lives in the US with her husband, but not in the same state as us. I think she's been married for four years or so and has an adorable son. Murthy loves his little nephew (that man would steal every baby if given the chance). I told my stepmom about his sister's views, and she formed the idea that his sister doesn't want him to have a love marriage since she had to have an arranged marriage, so he should too. I think it's more because she doesn't think an American woman would take care of her parents. His parents are going to come visit America sometime this year, and the mere thought makes me die of fear!! I'm so nervous. Do you have any suggestions on how to make a good first impression (or just how not to make a bad one) ?

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    8. That is weird that she is married and already settled and is so threatened by your relationship. I was thinking the reason why she was reacting harshly is because she may be unmarried, so I am surprised!
      I think you are right, go with your gut instinct - she is probably concerned with you being the caretaker of their parents.
      That is so exciting that they are coming to visit! Hmmm, it will probably be a very formal meeting. They will ask about education, work, family background. To make a good impression, I would dress modestly, and rave about the things you like about Indian culture, how you want to visit India, learn Indian cooking, love of Indian food, and the similarities between Indian culture and Western culture. You can also mention your personal interests, like books, activities you like to do, etc just so they get to see a fuller picture of your self.
      If you want extra bonus points, learn some basic Telugu like "please", "thank you", "nice to meet you", "how are you" purely for impressing purposes :) AND when you meet his parents, you can touch their feet. That is extra extra bonus points! :D
      Also, a big thing is never say their first name, only refer to them as "aunty" and "uncle", and if you are eating, serve them food first.

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    9. I am a south Indian woman working in Europe and in a relationship with a European man. I kind of know why the older sister is against. It's because she is married, she is considered as higher decision making authority since the parents have grown old and maybe weak in putting their foot down. So, the older sister who is married will be protective of the family. I know it is crazy but the same is happening between my older sister and younger brother.

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    10. Iam a Tam iyer from south india and have seen fair share of drama. The other reason for the sisters disapproval could be that she is worried about how it affects her life. Even if she is already married, intercultural marriages might not go well with her in laws and they might comment on it if they are orthodox. So could be just that she is being protective from her side and it might also depend on her husbands opinion about this. A huge dominoes effect. Even when its between indians from different states it sometimes takes loads of convincing. So i hope thinks all sorted out fine.

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  4. Wow. I have a Punjabi boyfriend, and reading this has just helped me understand so many things about him LOL it's crazy!!

    Anyways, he's actually in India right now visiting family and friends for the new year. He mentioned me to his mother - and the thought of a 'white daughter in law' apparently didn't settle well with her. He's also told me that his father might not even want to see me, ever, if he were to find out about me. (which is how I found your blog - wanting to know if this reaction was normal :P).

    Well, thanks for creating this blog. I'll definitely be browsing around!!

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    1. Don't worry, sometimes it is just an initial shock because it is different than what they had always imagined....they would have never imagined a foreign DIL so it will take time...don't take it personally...they will feel different once they meet you. That is great that your BF told them about you, he is serious about you.
      There are tons of foreigners married to Punjabis....

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  5. This is an amazing post. I wish it were around when I was figuring out how to talk to my parents about my white boyfriend-now-husband. I was so desperate that I googled "how to tell your indian parents about your white boyfriend" five years ago. I found your post when I randomly googled the same thing yesterday, hoping to find more resources than when I first searched it. I'm so glad this is available for future desperate Indians and their mates. Thank you thank you thank you. I'm so glad I found your blog!

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    1. YAY! Another couple like us....nice to meet you :)
      I can only imagine what you went through with your parents! With girls, desi parents are sooooooo much more protective!

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    2. So how did it go? I am a Hindu Brahmin girl dating a Muslim. We were both born and brought up in the U.S. My parents met him about a year ago and said he wasn't good enough for me. It has been emotional torture for the past 2.5 years. This weekend they are going to meet my boyfriend's parents. We would like to get engaged and put a stop to their hysterics. Otherwise, they will hold out hope that I will change my mind one day. I appreciate your advice.

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  6. This is an amazing blog, it has been soo helpful & insightful. I have been dating a punjabi guy for just over a year & he never told his parents about me at all. Which of course to me is very strange as my family love him & he even spent christmas with us. But finally he asked me if I wanted to go & stay with his family for the weekend but as a friend... is there anything I can do to leave a good impression? He told me just to be myself.. I hope its enough! Fingers crossed all goes well this weekend!

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    1. Thank you for reading!
      Yup, all sounds normal...now that he is telling his parents about you that means he is very serious and intends marriage ;)
      That will be great to get to know his family!
      Some tips: learn hello / goodbye / thank you in punjabi, inquire about cooking tips with his mother, no calling elders by their given names - "aunty" or "uncle" only; and just be yourself and make sure they know anything important you want them to know about you - like interests, etc.
      Even if he tells them that you are merely a friend, the seed will be planted, as men/women friends are taboo.
      Good luck!!!!!!! xo

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  7. I'm so glad I have found your blog and knowing I'm not the only one going through this.
    I am 23 year old indian girl and I have recently told my parents that I am in a serious relationship with a white guy. My mum started hysterically crying and refuses to talk to me and my dad went crazy threatening me with all sorts. I have been dating my boyfriend for 7 months but I didn't plan on telling my parents so soon but my older sister found out and threatened me to tell them or she will. My parents relationship was a bit unsteady before I told them but now my dad said that if I carry on seeing him then he will ruin our family and will divorce my mum. My dad blames my mum for this cos she was always the one that allowed me to go out with my friends when I was really with my boyfriend.
    I don't know what to do, I want to leave home but I don't have the money to leave. I am about to start my new job in a week and I can't afford to throw that opportunity away as it's my first job in 8 months since graduating, so I can't leave home and live with my boyfriend as he lives 2 hours away.
    I would really appreciate your advice, if I thought my parents would eventually accept my boyfriend then I would stand my ground and fight for him. But I never imagined my parents reacting so badly and I don't want to be responsible for ruining my family but also leaving my boyfriend is not an option.

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    1. Alright, girl - what you are describing is serious emotional blackmail that your parents are doing to you. Indian girls always get it the worst from their parents! :(
      First of all, you are not responsible for your parents' bad marriage, if your father wants to get a divorce from your mother than that is between them, and quite frankly that is HIS problem, not yours.
      Your boyfriend is only white, for godsakes! He is not the devil! Is skin color more important than true love? UM, NO!!!
      My suggestion is start the new job, save money, and while you are in your parents' house just ignore them for the time being until you can move out. I honestly think they owe you an apology.
      And then move out and show them how independent you are; and they should first meet your boyfriend before judging him. You could even tell them they are racist for behaving this way (LOL)
      Are you in the USA? Because if you are, with your parents....well what did they think would happen? And it's not the end of the world! Your love life is none of their business and you need to set boundaries, NOW.
      The fact that you feel guilty for just being in love means their emotional blackmail is already working...you are not responsible for "ruining" your family. How can one addition of skin color "ruin"?? That is ridiculous!! Typical drama, nonetheless. Every Indian girl I know has dealt with this exact same playbook, it's as if the parents of girls have the same manual handbook...LMAO! ;)

      Stay strong...and love is worth fighting for, believe me......

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    2. Hey
      I'm in th exact situation you were in I hope things have improved for you my parents are full on with the emotional blackmail at the moment but I'm standing my ground on this one ive met my life partner and will fight tooth and nail. My parents are so dramatic saying they've lost faith in God they blame themselves for going wrong in the way they brought me up but its all just words and anger in hoping one day they will get over it it happens more and more and theres many girls in my local community that have married non Indian men. It's seriously draining and it hurts but all I can say is keep going if the guy is worth t I hope your situation has improved! And I really hope things get easier!

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    3. I am also in the exact same situation. To make it worse, my parents are looking into arranged marriages already! Today I was called a back stabber, untrustworthy, disappointment and an excuse for a daughter. I am completely drained. I have been fighting with my parents and trying to make them see for half a year now and I have very little energy left.
      tambrahm girl's life!

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    4. I am a tamil brahmin girl aswell but my boyfriend isnt white...hes tamil but a different caste. when my parents found out they flipped shits and started threatening me saying they would kick me out, never speak to me again and completely cut all ties with any extended family aswell. they even went to the extreme of telling me that if i do go through with this marriage that they would never come near my future children because they would be of his caste and eat meat lol ive been in a relationship with my bf for 2 years now and i have been dealing with spurts of anger from my parents [especially my mom] for a long time now. they think im stupid and unable to make a level headed decision because he[my bf] is manipulating me and blinding me with love and only wants to be with me to better himself...how stupid. ive been called every name in the book from backstabber to slut, they even talk badly of him to make me feel like crap. at this point i just take it in one ear and out the other. they really need to stop caring about what the "community" says its not like they'll be feeding me or supporting me in the future lol .. its 2015 for God'sake compromise is key to any relationship and they have raised me to be an intelligent young women. i basically just listen to everything they say and not respond because its sooooo emotionally draining.

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    5. amazing how parents never seem to use practical reasoning, i already started the campaign to let them know im not interested in traditional arranged marriage when a young teen, reading these stories, in hindsight im glad i did

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  8. Sorry, Indian parents like these need to grow up instead of behaving like petulant toddlers. They need to treat their children like intelligent adults rather than as personal property. And no matter where you come from, you don't have to put up with this from your parents or your spouse's parents. What are they? Two?

    There are many sensible parents, even in India. The drama kings and queens need to be sent to Bollywood.

    I think there's a limit to ridiculous controlling behaviour even though it's culturally sanctioned. Today's young adults, hopefully, will behave more sensibly than their parents' generation.

    I'm Indian and believe me, no one has to put up with such blackmail ("I will divorce your mother if you marry xyz" or "I will get a heart attack"). Stop pandering to this b.s. and call their bluff.

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    1. Oh Bee, that's my view spot on, but... Will that lead to disaster ultimately? I think they might even carry out their threats (cutting my bf off forever) and that would be so painful for him.

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    2. amen sister! i have my share of controlling, emotionally draining parents. Who are you!(rhetorical question)

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  9. I am an Indian girl in college in Chicago, and met a white guy here, we've been together for about a year and a half. I've never hidden anything from my parents (they've given me everything I ever wanted in life so I owed it to them to not keep it a secret), so I told them about it and... You are so right about the fact that Indian girls have it worse! It's horrible living with my parents now because the scrutinize every little detail of my life and my boyfriend doesn't understand at all, although he has been fairly patient with them. All this stress leads to me having bad grades, which leads to me disappointing my parents, which leads to them thinking that my bf distracts me. It's a vicious cycle :( Hopefully this summer I can convince them to let me move out.

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    1. Oh god, I can only imagine the stress. You need to tell them that they are affecting your bad grades, not your BF. I think it would be the best solution to move out, at least for some peace of mind. Of course your parents will probably not agree, as they may think it will distract you further from your studies..LOL! Indian parents... *sigh*!
      Hang in there! xo

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  10. I just told my Pakistani parents, who never wanted me to be with my partner of choice by love in the first place, that I got married. Yes, without them because of 5 years filled with indescribable strife. They were never happy with my choice, and didn't trust my decisions because they didn't think I was an adult. But I told them, they freaked out, and I was ok with them not being ok anymore. I wept afterwards. It was a big moment. Thanks for this posting.

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    1. OMG I can only imagine. Kudos to you for following your heart. You are brave....
      xoxo Hugs

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  11. I am an indian girl, my boyfriend is french, I met him as an exchange student in france. Now I am back in india but even after coming back my relationship with my boyfriend has grown stronger. He wants a life together. I told my mother . my mother is of the opinion that my dad will never except it and this will effect his health. I don't know what to do. As moving to france for my boyfriend would be a huge step completely going against my parents. Besides I don't have enough money to do something like this.

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    1. Know that whatever you do - has no effect on your father's health. If he is stressed, it is his problem, how he treats his body, is his problem.
      Can your boyfriend come to India to be with you?

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  12. This was surprisingly helpful. I relate to most/all of it. Thanks so much for sharing.

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    1. You're very welcome. It's a daunting process...I hope it helps!

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  13. Hi im a first time visitor to this blog and I'm in the need for some guidance. I am white white guy from europe who two years ago when starting medical school in US meet this fantastic Indian/canadian girl. we are very much in love with each other and think about the future together. So in April She told her mom about me and two days later the mom said no and you need to break up with him but you can still be friends. But we didn't and kept seeing each other like nothing had happened now she is starting to feel guilty of deceiving her mom and said she doesn't think she can continue like this. So my question is do i let her go and thereby all hope is lost but keep her as a friend after everything we had together or how do I proceed cause we really love each other

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    1. Hi Kenneth,
      If you really love each other you should stay together. You can help her convince her mother in many ways like showing through actions that you will take care of their daughter, that you will love their daughter. Indian parents ALWAYS say no at first, it is their duty ;)

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  14. Hi there I'm having a similar problem with my indian boyfriends parents at the moment
    My partner was married before and has a small boy but the separated cus she cheated on him with my partners sisters husband
    We have been dating for 4 months now and his parents have just come from India for a visit and they are trying to get him back together with his ex they have been apart for almost 10 months or more
    They don't no about me as of yet we were going to tell them but we weren't expecting them to try and get him and his ex together
    I really need som help with this situation what can I do
    We love each other but he doesn't want to go against his parents
    What should I do or say to show them how much we love each other

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    1. Indian parents do not believe in divorce and many times if there is a divorce in the family (especially if it is their own child getting divorce) they are in denial. This is another case of parents overstepping their boundaries in the adult children's lives.
      I think you should wait a while to tell them because they need to realize that the marriage is over - your partner needs to be firm with them. Eventually they will have to accept it and afterwards they will probably pressure him to get married. Which is where you come in ;)
      Give it some time for now. Continue with the relationship but wait until after the divorce is finalised to tell the parents.

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  15. Hi Alexandra! I am so happy to find that not only me is experiencing such stress in having an Indian boyfriend. Me and my boyfriend met online and is planning to meet. He said that he wanted to visit me here but his dad won't allow. This reaction from his dad depressed me.Of course I won't overreact and tell you that we're hopeless about it but I am bothered. We've been together for only three months and when he opened up to his parents about our relationship they just laughed. Can you give me an advice because I am feeling very low. I tried ending my relationship with him but he said we'll make it through which makes me happy too because he's willing to fight for us. I really love the him so much. I just want to be okay with his parents so we can see each other freely.

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    1. Hi Dina,
      There is no concept of openly dating in Indian culture, it is seen as promiscuous activity by elders. His dad will say no because he will be thinking that is his duty as a father - it is a control thing, most likely. I am surprised he told his dad - he has balls!
      Your partner has to be more firm and not let his parents interfere in your budding relationship. He may have to be either more secretive, or more firm, depending on the situation.

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  16. Just a quick question about customs, my friend just sold her home to a married Indian couple and they said that it was a custom that they have to move into their parents home before they actually move into their new home, just trying to understand this..... Thanks

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  17. Hi,

    I wanted to share my experience so far because there is so little out there to help people in my situation or similar, as they go through these tangled situations. I love this post, and your blog and relate to so much of it. I'm super glad I found it.

    My situation is slightly different in that I have been open about my relationship to my parents, pretty much from day one. But now after 3 years of dating, and 5 years of knowing each other we are about to take the plunge and move in together.... BEFORE MARRIAGE! Shock horror.

    I am a 25, with indian (bengali) parents, but born and raised in the UK, and soon to finish my masters. He is 27, British, and has a "respectable job" in a bank, and but comes from a working class background, and was the first in his family to go to university. We've been dating for 3 years, and have known each other for 5.

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  18. ...(con'td)

    We've decided to move in together in a month once I finish my degree. Given how accepting my parents have been of our relationship up until this point I never imagined this being a problem. My boyfriend and I had been talking about it for a year, but I avoided telling my parents until now, because I was afraid if I told them any sooner they'd make me feel guilty and try to talk me out of it, and I knew that would be damaging for my relationship. I expected the conversation to go badly, but not as it did. I broached the topic with my dad first, and perhaps due to the way I introduced it, as though the decision wasn't set in stone, so it wasn't like dropping a bombshell on him, he said we could "talk about it after I finished my studies." Rather than letting it go, I pushed the topic, he said how much of a big commitment it was. I was eventually able to get him to say that he and my mum "wanted me to be happy," but left the conversation feeling like he didn't take it seriously, and probably believed that they could prevent it from happening. He also asked if I had spoken to my mother. Her reaction was shocked, and her main concern was us going from what she described as our current "platonic" relationship to living together which she said would be "very different" and she seemed convinced that I would end up getting pregnant, citing other examples of people in the family. Me countering with many examples of my friends who had lived together and ... somehow managed to not get pregnant... didn't seem to change their minds. The conversation felt like it had been ended abruptly by them, before it even really started.

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  19. ...(con'td again)

    How I felt after this was horrible, I couldn't let it go, I didn't feel like anything had been resolved, but I also didn't feel able to bring up the topic with my parents again. I tried talking to my brother, but being much younger, and having not really experienced anything similar his best advice was to just give them time to settle down and get used to the idea. So that's what I did, and we found somewhere to live, negotiated the price, terms and furniture, and all but signed the contract. I spoke to them again today, and told them about all of this on the phone. Now naturally they were shocked, as this was pretty much the second time they have heard about it, and its real and its happening. My mum raised concerns about what they will tell friends and relatives, which I knew was a huge part of their issue with it, but she also said that they are old fashioned and don't believe in living together before marriage. There's no easy way to reconcile this, because for me, I really don't think I would consider marrying someone WITHOUT living with them. I am going back to visit my parents this weekend, and I expect there will be a conversation about it, as my dad's response on the phone was, we can talk about this when you come, but there's also a fear that it just won't be talked about, and will remain the ever-growing elephant in the room. I don't know what will happen next, in my mind there are one of two ways it could go:
    1. They will try and convince me out of it, I'm not really sure HOW they can prevent me from doing it. In my younger years they were able to exert much greater control over me as I depended on them financially, but now that's not really the case. Beyond emotional blackmail, or disowning me, which I know my parents wouldn't do, I'm not really sure what else they might "use" to persuade me.
    2. They will sit down and have the marriage talk with me, and try to convince me that we should get married. To me this would be the most welcome of both options, but I am not going to get married now. My boyfriend and I love each other, but neither of us are ready yet. We're on the same page and we definitely do see it in our future sometime soon(ish). I know that although telling them this won't change their mind about how they feel about us living together, maybe in time they will come to accept that living together means we are headed on that path.

    I might write an update on here once everything has played out, but until then any thoughts/advice would be really welcome.

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    1. Hey, halfnatsquared, are you still around? I really would like to talk to you. I am in almost EXACTLY the same situation, but I've already moved in and have been facing the backlash - would really love to hear how things went with you...

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  20. I'm in a relationship with a white girl for a few months now, I'm 21. This articles helps so damn much, it's nice to see others who have the same problem. I feel so much more confident now in eventually telling them if it gets more serius between me and my girlfriend. I do believe it will, however, so I've started somewhat preparing for 'the day'.

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    1. My husband is a South Indian Hindu and religion is very important for him. His practice is rather unconventional, and he practices everyday. It is sometimes difficult for me to accept his beliefs, but I am happy to go to temple with him if he wants and happy to learn about his religion when he wants to share. He never asks anything except that I respect his beliefs. Then I think respect is the basis of a relationship.

      Alexandra will certainly know more than me about this, but I think Hindus believe that there are many ways to go to "God", so I don't see why it should be a problem for you not to be a Hindu, if your husband is sincere in his faith.

      Spirituality and rituals are two different things, in my opinion. Then maybe the family is worried your children wouldn't be raised as Hindus ?

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  22. Wow. Glad I stumbled upon this blog. Thanks for posting it. Apparently this never ends as we are grown adults and experiencing similar issues. He's divorced and in his late thirties. His parents are still pressuring him to remarry and have kids. Of course they know absolutely nothing about forty something white me. Sad in a way....I feel our relationship might not even have a chance to realize its potential with his parents mindset, and his sense of duty. Time will tell I suppose.

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  23. I keep reading these stories in hope of finding an answer, but I still see no solution.

    In my 7-yr-relationship, my bf is 1st gen Indian (hyderabadi, non-practicing hindu) who came to the US to study and has continued living here.

    Though I'm not American either, I'd probably be just a white girl to the parents. They probably wouldn't take the time to find out that in my culture, families are very close and children have a duty to their parents.

    After 7 years (6 living together), they know nothing about me. Being a ghost is very hurtful..more so by the day.

    In addition to my not being Indian, I'm also older by 5 yrs.

    BF thinks he will be disowned. (He's the only son..only has younger sis). I wish he would at least try to see if they might be persuaded.

    My life is in limbo..and I dont know why this is so important to me, but I want the parents to know about me, even if they dont accept me. Now I wonder though if ive just thrown away 7 yrs of my life.

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  24. My parents are from Hyderabad, but I grew up here (Chicago). I'm also the girl!
    My boyfriend said he doesn't like me sneaking around my parents to see him. And said I have to make a decision. I plan on telling them in the next few days and I'm beyond terrified. No matter which culture it is, parents are going to be very skeptical when their 20year old daughter introduces them to a guy. I'm going to be a junior in college this year and I admit I'm still very young but I have to get this out. My boyfriend is 25 in the military, law enforcement, and finishing up college. Any kind of tips would be greatly appreciated!

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    1. Hey, I was wondering how it went for you! I am a senior in college, and I have been dating this super nice Half Hispanic and half white guy for 3 years now. My parents are also from near Hyderabad, and I'm petrified to say the least. I'm going to graduate soon so I know I have to do it soon but I don't know how to go about it. Did you end up going through with it? I hope everything went well! Let me know xoxo

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    2. And feel free to email me if you want to talk more, I would love to give and receive support, it's really hard to find people in a similar situation who would understand!

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    3. Hey, I am in the same situation and am trying to get my self to tell my parents. Did you ever tell them? How did it go?

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  25. OMG , This is the best blog about Indian parents I have ever read. I also have a foreign girlfriend and I really have no idea how can I convince my parents about my relationship.
    """(If you have two emotional parents - you're screwed!) """ . This is my situation. Even if I would have Indian girlfriend then also I would have faced same problem in convincing them as I have to do for foreign girlfriend. I am still studying and waiting for a job. I am in relationship with her from 2 yrs and the only person who knows about my relationship in India is only me. Well I can't tell my parents anything unless I don't get a good job.

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  26. Really stressed I am an Indian girl and been with my BLACK JAMAICAN boyfriend for 9 years. We got engaged in Jamaica in 2011. My mom knows but my dad doesn't and I am so scared to tell him. i am 31 and so want to settle and get married to my boyfriend. He has his own business and has built that's right built our own home in Jamaica plus mortgage here in UK. Even ticks more boxes than an Indian man would but i know because he is black my dad will go crazy. I am so scared and so tired of living this double life. i don't really get the support I should from my sister who does know and it is the most loneliest feeling on this earth!!!

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  27. Hi Alexandra, Im A from Indonesia. I was really happy and feel surprisingly helpful to read your blog. I was dating an Indian boy. He was from Jaipur, Rajhastan and Im from Indonesia. When we were still dating is so uncomfotable to know that my boyfriend is hide my existence from their family. I was feeling he is ashamed with me or something but that time he explain me that he need time to tell his parents untill all the things is settle up, so he can convince them and No one will say no to him. I was totally in love with him. I never love someone that much until I met and have him in my life. But sadly suddenly we have to break up because her mother got serious illness and need someone to take care of her too. And all family push him to married accordingly so his wife can takr care of her mom. Because he is the only son in his family. It was so sad because he cant refuse and he has to do something to her mom. And I cant married this year because I still study in college. And to read your blog is very open my mind about how exactly Indian life is regarding the intercultural relationship and how they think about dating or marry foreigners..

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    1. hi i feel so much with you. until now im still in pain. but when i research about this stuff i suddenly realized two things: to show him this blog and ask him AGAIN to fight for us, or to accept the fact that we can't be really together till future because i dont wanna be a plain housewife. i also love my ex bf with my whole life. i dont wanna blame the system or the family but i wanna blame the things that hinders our love with these hindu guys. he was going to marry too around 2-3 yrs and i feel depressed about that. we should still be thankful that the love they gave us were true and undeniably they brought us bloom and smile into our faces.

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  28. Thank you so much for your blog, and this post in particular. I am an American married to a wonderful Indian man. He is my perfect match, a loving husband, and my best friend. Except for one thing...we married a year and a half ago, and he has yet to tell his mother and siblings anything about me. He showed a picture of me to his mom when he visited India in May, but was afraid to tell her who I really am to him. He said she asked him "Who is the white girl?"... Sadly he let his opportunity pass by. It's so frustrating, but although in a way, I do understand, it doesn't make it any less hurtful. I wish he could find the courage to go ahead and tell his mom. I think he wants to stop hiding the truth, but is afraid of the reaction he will get, and doesn't want to hurt his mom's feelings (dutiful son...). She raised him to be a wonderful man and husband. I would hope that she could come to accept his choice of partner, especially since I'm here to stay. ;-)

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  29. Hi..
    So glad I found this..
    I'm a 20 year old indian girl iv been seeing my English boyfriend for a month now, he wants to meet my parents next week, I lied to my mum today by saying an English boy likes me what do I do she says no.. I'm scared as anything, I don't know what's going to happen help me

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  30. Oh this will help my partner cope so much. Thank you. He doesn't understand why I just don't tell everyone and be done with it. And you are right, much more difficult for an Indian girl.

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  31. Hi,

    Thanks so much for this its very interesting and helpful..I'm in the same boat as some of you. My boyfriend is Indian and we have been going out for quite a few months now and I can honestly say i have never loved somebody so much, we cant be apart for even a few hours. We love eachother dearly and hes been out with me and my family a few times now and they live him. However he said he wont tell his parents about me until later..he doesnt know when but he knows that now is not the best. He might wait until we graduate uni (2 more years) and get stable jobs etc. But its SO painful waiting..im being as understanding and caring as i can but at the end of the day its always in my mind bugging me and i cry about it so often..i dont want to make him have to choose between family or me as i know his family is everything to him but im definitely not giving him up because of this. Its so unfair..im also a year and a bit older than him idk if that changes anything..but i just feel so sorry for him i know hes hurting and stressing a lot from it. Hes also the oldest in his family with a (much) younger sister and brother. So that makes it really difficult..i only pray for a miracle and that they react ok and everything will work out eventually..thankyou so much for the info in this blog. All the best to everyone :)

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  32. Hi Alex,

    Im really desperate for your advice. My parents are highly committed Sikhs and my partner is white. He is 100% sure he wants to spend his life with me after two years of hiding our weekly dates and nighly telephone calls. The problem is I can't bring myself to see the pain and disappointment as there was NO way i could introduce him slowly as a friend in any way so it will be totally out of the blue. Also living at home after they've been informed isn't an option as I am sure extended family that are also strict sikhs will get involved in trying to talk me round or see that an inter-faith-inter-racial relationship won't work. I've never felt anything like this before and I have known and fallen for people in the past.

    My only answer is to leave a long letter explaining my deep feelings, the depressive states the stress has led me to and wait for the repercussions.

    Have you any advice to offer as I can't pluck up the courage at all to tell them this in person.

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    1. Hey girl i can relate with your situation as I am a Sikh girl and dating a Muslim guy. I have finally told my family about him and it didn't go well. My mom started blackmailing me telling me they will commit suicuice, and disown me etc etc. my family is worrying about the society rather than my happiness. They didn't even care to hear my side and refused to meet him, but they once had met him as my friend so they know who he is. My advise to you is if you 2 are in a serious relationship and wants to get married then tell your family. Tell your mom first because she will tell your dad and it will be easier for you. But coming from a Sikh family it won't be any easier for you so be prepared for emotional blackmailing, negative taunts. They will try to talk you out of it, but you need to make it clear that you have made up your mind. I understand you want your parents approval and you want your parents to be happy in your big day. I am still going thru a tough time at home, but the more you go thru it, more you get stronger. I would say tell your parents, at least you will feel better. Good luck!!

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    2. Hey girl I can relate with you since I am going thru the similar situation. I am Sikh and dating a Muslim guy. I told my parents about him and it didn't go well. My mom is black mailing me telling me her and dad will commit suicide if I get married to him , disown me etc. they are worrying about the family, society but unable to see my happiness. They literally told me to leave him and refused to hear anything about him. Sikh people are more about showing off, they have too much ego. Things aren't great my house but it doesn't bother me anymore. I would say tell your mom first, she will ask you questions so simply just answer them. Later she will tell your dad her own, you don't have to go thru it twice---at least that's what I did. Your parents will attack you, they might not wanna hear your side but before you tell me you wanna be sure if it's the guy you wanna spend your life with, and if it's him then go for it and be prepared for whatever comes next. They will blackmail you, remind you every small thing they did for you, mom will cry a lot but you need to stay tough. I hate the fact that our parents don't understand where we come from but they are more concerned about the society. I even told my family if you guys accept the marriage then no one will talk shit. So I am still in the process of convincing them. Good luck!!!

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    3. Hi,

      My family just found out about my white boyfriend and all they keep doing is crying. please tell me how all of you convinced them. I have no response to them when they say how could you do this to us. How could you after we repeatedly told you just not an american boy. any indian boy will do. My dad still doesnt know. should i tell him? he also lives in india though so i think he will blame my mom because he sent my mom to america with us to take care of us. i have a really good job and so does my boyfriend. we are both extremely succesful in our careers but we are also just 23 and dont want to get married yet. i told my mom i will meet other indian boys (after my boyfriend and i discussing it) if that makes her happy but that backfired in her saying i am not loyal to my boyfriend.

      i dont know how to make her look at this practically. please let me know how you solved the problem. i dont know if its worth me putting my parents through so much pain i love them dearly. but i also dont know how i will ever meet someone so accepting of me and my culture. i am too indian for indian boys who have been raised here and too american for indian boys raised in india. i dont know what to do... Please let me know what helped for you. How long did it take? What did you say in these situations?

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    4. Hi,

      My family just found out about my white boyfriend and all they keep doing is crying. please tell me how all of you convinced them. I have no response to them when they say how could you do this to us. How could you after we repeatedly told you just not an american boy. any indian boy will do. My dad still doesnt know. should i tell him? he also lives in india though so i think he will blame my mom because he sent my mom to america with us to take care of us. i have a really good job and so does my boyfriend. we are both extremely succesful in our careers but we are also just 23 and dont want to get married yet. i told my mom i will meet other indian boys (after my boyfriend and i discussing it) if that makes her happy but that backfired in her saying i am not loyal to my boyfriend.

      i dont know how to make her look at this practically. please let me know how you solved the problem. i dont know if its worth me putting my parents through so much pain i love them dearly. but i also dont know how i will ever meet someone so accepting of me and my culture. i am too indian for indian boys who have been raised here and too american for indian boys raised in india. i dont know what to do... Please let me know what helped for you. How long did it take? What did you say in these situations?

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  33. no matter how much you love him and how much he loves you back, if your indian man doesnt have the guts to fight for the love of his live, you will be left alone without any mercy for being to good.
    signed a woman who dated an indian man

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    1. i said the same with him. i even told him why he won't able to fight with me. i even wanted to go and arrange my passport but i think he doesn't have the guts to face his parents. i left him with these: you're very good person. so caring, smart, loving, god fearing and very family oriented but you've just lack that strength and courage to fight for love. but look at this u just followed ur parents and tradition so i cannot blame u for that. we were just in the victim of the situation where our love is not allowed in ur system, still i dont have any regrets of loving u. my feelings might fade but my love in my heart and brain will always remain coz ur the only man who made me felt this way. u made me bloom before and u put a smile and bravery inside me so u owe a big part of me. if u wanna cry. u should cry man. it helps! cry until u got weak coz sooner u will recover and become okay. than to hide it like what i do.

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    2. And I even left him with a song which is The One That Got Away from my favorite singer. I said that, on earth maybe we won't be together but I want to wait u in heaven.

      "In another life I would be your girl
      We keep all our promises, be us against the world
      And in other life I would make you stay
      So I don't have to say you were the one that got away
      The one that got away!"

      we both cried after this when i send this to him.

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    3. i wanna know u and i wanna make a conversation with. please reply with me :)

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  34. i was dating a lovely indian man and my dear love and friend.
    as soon as his parents knew about our love, they tried to persuade him to go back to india and to find a job there. end of this scenario is me being left alone in deep hurt , without any respect for my inner soul. the ending: indian boyfriend going back to india to his parents house, who were giving him a job but also trying to find him an indian wife, no matter how.
    if you ever consider dating an indian man, beware that it doesnt matter how much he loves you, he has to fight for you without abandoning or neglecting his parents, but usually indian man dont know how to do both and they end up running to their parents again and they leave you completely devastated. Can you imagine if your love decides to breakup with you and leave for good without leaving any trace behind him, and you dont even know whats goin on in his life? It's like he died, suddenly one day you will go to facebook and you find out he is engaged with some indian fellow woman. Not funny and devastading but thats what my radar is telling me that will happen and i dont wanna see it !
    Indian man think Western woman are easy woman but they forget some woman are serious about their suns and they deserve some respect, aka not being treated like a general stereotype.
    I am deeply hurt and i still can't cope with this situation. This is the short story.

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  35. i was dating a lovely indian man and my dear love and friend. i never loved anyone like him before.
    as soon as his parents knew about our love, they tried to persuade him to go back to india and to find a job there. end of this scenario is me being left alone in deep hurt , without any respect for my inner soul. the ending: indian boyfriend going back to india to his parents house, who were giving him a job but also trying to find him an indian wife, no matter how.
    if you ever consider dating an indian man, beware that it doesnt matter how much he loves you, he has to fight for you without abandoning or neglecting his parents, but usually indian man dont know how to do both and they end up running to their parents again and they leave you completely devastated. Can you imagine if your love decides to breakup with you and leave for good without leaving any trace behind him, and you dont even know whats goin on in his life? It's like he died, suddenly one day you will go to facebook and you find out he is engaged with some indian fellow woman. Not funny and devastading but thats what my radar is telling me that will happen and i dont wanna see it !
    Indian PARENTS think Western woman are easy woman but they forget some woman are serious about their suns and they deserve some respect, aka not being treated like a general stereotype.
    I am deeply hurt and i still can't cope with this situation. This is the short story.
    Signed: a woman who has been suffering for almost a year

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  36. Indian man have a lot of social pressure not only from their close relatives but most of all from their family and village. This happened to me. He was getting phone calls from india quite often because of our relationship. He was stressed and he couldn't deal with all the pressure, he just broke up and said he will never go back to me again, we were very different, but funny he told his indian friend his parents will never approve me has his wife, because i wasn't indian and i was a couple of years older.
    Indian man are ver submissive to their families, they find it difficult to go agains their culture, even if their love you cause in indian culture love comes after marriage, so they don't have enough emotional inteligence to see how much they love you, because they know they will find an easy wedding matched by their parents and his marriage will be a success, because nobody is willing to question anything.

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    1. i understand what u said and my ex even told me, what if he invited me to go to his wedding, will I come? i said to him of course NO. Do you want me too see broke down there and dressed up like im attending in a funeral? Or I can attend but I hope with my new boyfriend. Lets just think of this way that they are just family oriented. From my experience, i think he it didn't even crossed in his mind that they will broke up with us because they will get wives easily. No. they just wanted to consider their parents and i tried to understand that and they live with their teachings. It just so sad to think that we can fight for them, we can sacrifice for them but they wont do the same thing with what we can do. Still i dont feel any anger because the love we shared are true and passionate. He thought me everything and it will always remind me that in my memories

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    2. hey claire here i am again, the broken women. luckily i came to mad mamas page and i saw ur comment on the right hand side.
      they are a bit childish, all indian man in general. mine did all that kind of comment and had all kind of childish behavior. mine is in the waiting list for arranged marriage. nowadays we don't talk to each other, i still have feelings for him, the only way i found out to move on with my life is to be the same independent woman i was before i met him. i focus on myself, all my strength to smile, traveling, being with friends, finding things that inspire me, and a career. is fact that its been a while and i haven't met anyone else. i still think about him. i know he thinks about me, he just pretends that he doesn't give a shit. if u let him to to india, its almost impossible to get him back. theres nothing u can do. u can tell him to fight for your love, but he never will, u know why, because he loves his parents first off all, and he knows what he won't struggle to find an indian wife and to marry her! everything will be very simple for him. indian man are very let go, unless they love u deeply. i still don't know what happened in my cause, cause we were much in love and shared a lot together, we were good friends first than lovers. i still wish he could be here. bear in mind that they get wires easily, they only need to choose one, and they are teached how to love after getting married, cause they can't even divorce. my advice is, fight for him, but don't make him upset, indian man can start becoming upset if they see their culture, or their parents threated. u can also make him miss u, i don't know why. i never knew how to keep mine with me, i guess two people need to have the same vision and will.. if he wants to marry u, he will come back to u, it doesn't matter how many times u beg him to stay, he only stays if he wants to stay. indian man can be stubborn and childish. good luck

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  37. I've been stalking your blog for the last 5 months, ever since I met the sweetest, kindest, smartest, funniest, (etc lol) Indian guy that I have been dating. He has been in the US for 10 years. When I get frustrated at the differences I read this post and the one about the secret bf/gf. He has met my parents and friends but I have yet to meet his friends. I know they know about me, as they sent him a text when they saw us out together and he showed it to me (they drove past us). He said he did mention me very casually to his parents because I said it bothered me so much that they didn't even know about me. I mean I'm in my early 30s and I'm looking to get married. I was up front about this from the beginning and he said he also wants to get married. He is (of course) of his parents rejecting the idea. When he mentioned me, his mom started crying and then his uncle started giving him email addresses for single girls in his area (entire family has arranged marriages). He said he doesn't want to have me hang out with his friends because he is afraid we'll break up because of his parents rejecting me. Of course, this is driving me bananas. We talk about this stuff and we've also talked about kids, marriage, etc. After I got upset on the phone tonight when he mentioned "what if his parents don't want him with an American" he said he will talk to them again. But I'm pretty sure he will break it off if they say so. I just don't understand how you can throw that away. I know it's cultural but I still just don't understand it. :'( I hate the feeling of not being able to do anything about it (American of me, I know). I'd rather break up for any other reason that his parents saying no ugh. Sorry for the rambling post. Still upset. Thank you for your blog.

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  38. I am a south indian male who came to US as a student, then graduated and have a stable career. Only child to my parents.

    I dated an american and married her. It was not a traditional wedding and yes we eloped. My parents were shocked but they accepted it as long as i was happy. The person i got married did not want to do anything with my culture. No indian food, child was allowed to learn my language, would not talk to my parents even when they called to wish for wedding anniversary. She told them to get out of the house when they visited us. It was terrible. My parents did not say anything against her to me. They only wanted to see me happy. My marriage ended in divorce. Now i am dating a russian american who is very welcoming and kind. But we are having issues with my parents because they are concerned history will repeat itself. My gf and i are so lost and it has taken a big toll on our relationship.

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  39. it is your life not your parents life. your parents are stereotyping and are trying to decide something for you. just because your girlfriend is not indian, it doesn't mean you will get divorced.

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  40. Alexandra - I am so happy that I stumbled across your blog and it has given me so much hope. I have been dating a Telugu guy for a little over 6 months (and I am white). All of his friends know about me (as well as his sister and cousins) but his parents do not. He comes from a very traditional family and he is not planning on telling his parents until he finishes school in a couple years. I was at first very upset about this because he has met my family and they love him. I felt as though him keeping me from his parents meant that he was ashamed or embarrassed. He is such a caring and sweet guy, but I was devastated at him not wanting to tell his parents. But your blog has really helped me to understand his situation...and now I'm trying to be patient. So I just wanted to say thanks!

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    1. Hey girl, I am in the same situation as you. Although I'm the Indian girl and bf is half white/half hispanic. We have been dating for 3 years (how i've managed to keep it a secret boggles my mind too), but my parents still don't know! I am graduating soon and planning on telling my parents and I'm trying to reach out to others in the same predicament and offer support. Don't give up, I know how hard it is on my end but also for my boyfriend, who is so so amazing. Remember that he's keeping it a secret because he is serious about you, and doesn't want to screw it up with the additional drama that ensues when the parents find out! If you ever need to vent or need support, lemme know, I will provide you my e-mail! xx

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  41. Hi, I'm glad that I came across this post. I'm facing the same problem. I'm Indian and my gf is white single mom with a black kid. We are dating since a year and my gf has issues with household chores and other normal tasks to be performed everyday in the house. I told her the importance of all these things in order to get approved for our marriage. She's says she understands but she never tries much to improve and also I mentioned her to dress modestly and she told me she's is not gonna change herself and stuff. I guess you understand what I an trying to say but she never gets it. Please share some advice. Thank you.

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    1. Here's my advice, as an American woman:

      Stop trying to change your girlfriend. Either you like her as she is or you don't. If you don't like it and don't want to be married to her because of the things you don't like, then leave her.

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    2. Is this all that Indian men do - first they hook a girl and then change everything that the girl is or does? This is the reason why Indian women are unhappy in their marriages and always complain about their in-laws. There is just no place for "live and let live". As an Indian woman, I feel sorry for the non-Indian women who fall in love with these control freaks. Please do not marry someone and abuse them to change. Change your own self first!

      Delete
  42. (1)I'm not trying to change her.
    (2)I'm not telling her wear Indian sarees and traditional dresses
    (3)All I'm saying is to dress modestly around elderly persons around house.
    (4)She's knows I personally don't mind what she wears.
    (5)When Intercultural marriage is involved an mature person has to know the significant importance of the small things rather than making an issue.

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  43. Hi...i came across this site while i was looking for some information about how to convince indian parents. I'm White woman and 25 years old. I'm from belgium and my indian boyfriend also. We met at work and have a relationship about a year and almost three months. Everything is going great between us. He and his mum are now in India visiting family and he told his family about us....and that he wants to marry me but the whole family is against it. Accept his cousin...he supports us but what he says to the family doesn't help. They don't want my boyfriend to have a White girlfriend because sooner or later i would leave him or divorce him. And his parents are very much into sikhism and they want him to marry an indian woman who has the same beliefs and who will take care of them. But the problem is that even he told them about us and doesn't want to marry an indian girl they still keep looking for a woman. And i don't know what to do because i'm afraid they will force him to marry and at the end of this week his dad is also in India. And when he finds out he will do anything to have his son married with an indian woman. I'm really stressed and Just don't know what to do. We love each other and want to be together. He won't be back till end of the month so i'm afraid time is running out and pressure will be to high for him to keep saying no with all the emotional blackmail and stuff....maybe some advice could help.

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  44. Hi...i came across this site while i was looking for some information about how to convince indian parents. I'm White woman and 25 years old. I'm from belgium and my indian boyfriend also. We met at work and have a relationship about a year and almost three months. Everything is going great between us. He and his mum are now in India visiting family and he told his family about us....and that he wants to marry me but the whole family is against it. Accept his cousin...he supports us but what he says to the family doesn't help. They don't want my boyfriend to have a White girlfriend because sooner or later i would leave him or divorce him. And his parents are very much into sikhism and they want him to marry an indian woman who has the same beliefs and who will take care of them. But the problem is that even he told them about us and doesn't want to marry an indian girl they still keep looking for a woman. And i don't know what to do because i'm afraid they will force him to marry and at the end of this week his dad is also in India. And when he finds out he will do anything to have his son married with an indian woman. I'm really stressed and Just don't know what to do. We love each other and want to be together. He won't be back till end of the month so i'm afraid time is running out and pressure will be to high for him to keep saying no with all the emotional blackmail and stuff....maybe some advice could help.

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  45. Hi, I'm a 22 year old girl in a relationship with a white guy for over a year now. I told my mum about him during our 7 month mark and maybe not in the right way. Ever since then she has been tormenting me every time I see him or talk about him. We are both very committed to each other but it has effected my relationship with my mum badly. She eventually told my dad who wasn't happy and they both are trying to convince me that I'm making a big mistake and trying to control everything I do and are not letting me have my own space. They don't want to meet or have anything to do with him, I believe I've made the right decision by being with him and I don't want to give up on my boyfriend because he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. However, my parents are saying I have to make a choice between them or my boyfriend. I am not in a position to move out or live with my boyfriend as we both still live at home. Please can someone help me or give advice?

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    1. I wish I could give advice but instead I can only relate (all too well). I'm 20 and in the same position. During the semester my boyfriend is so eager to skype my parents with me, because he wants to see what they look like and he wants to get to know them. I so want to agree because I know once my parents drop their racism they'll love him, but at the same time I feel like at this point it'll just worsen the potential. I don't want to tell him no because he's so eager but I don't think he'll ever understand how complicated Indian parents can be

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  46. Haiii,, i am a 20 year old girl from Germany and in a relationship with an South Indian for one year now. Even though we are sure about our love, he is confused how to tell his parents! There are few problems which make the situation even more difficult than it could be with a German wanting to marry an Indian. First he has not a well-paid job to come to Germany. Secondly as he is in the marriageable age his parents are also trying to find him a nice Indian wife of their community. Thirdly his parents are not much educated so they don't speak English and they have actually no idea of western culture, not more than the common stereotypes. Infact his parents are very traditional and concerned about their reputation in the community/parish.
    So do you have any advice how he can tell them? Or any suggestion how to start it?

    plus...both of his parents are emotional as you mentioned in your post :S

    Thank you so much, all the best for you and your love.

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  47. So I'm on the other end of this. I'm an Indian girl who told my parents about my American boyfriend a few weeks ago. Your blog made me so relieved. I am home for break but leaving in a few days. These past few days my mom has been going on about how "whites" don't care about each other. For them love is only for 4 days, after that they get divorced and move on. And live in relationships we never do that in India! Basically it's been a downpour of racial stereotypes, which my boyfriend isn't and its driving me insane. I don't want my boyfriend to feel bad and I think I'm definitely going to show him your blog so I can help show him that it's not just my parents that are insane, it's the entire culture :P

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  50. hi great post! i'm an indian hindu girl with an indian sikh bf and i know this sounds ridiculous because we are both indians but I already know my parents will not approve because they are against inter religious marriage even though its within the same culture and I can't tell them about it so it must be 100X harder for actual interracial couples. do you have any tips on how to start the actual conversation with them? because this whole topic is taboo in my household

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  51. How do I know he will tell them one day? We've been together almost a year. My family love him. We are very much in love and want to have children one day. I'm scared to ask because I don't want to put any pressure on.

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  52. I'm going through this with my Nepalese boyfriend of two years. His family is completely against it. His parents stopped eating, mom wouldn't talk to him, sister cried and begged him to do this.. Would really love to hear your personal experience and how you and your husband were able to convince his parents..

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  53. hi guys i need help i have been with my bf for over 2 yrs, we work for same company i'm 31 and his 22 so 9 yrs younger then me and his white and i'm indian - hindu. My parents have been trying to introduce me indian guys that are family friends and the same cast ( i know what a joke). i have manage to get out of any type of marriage. i've used uni and work as reason but now i've got cousin's are younger then me who willing to met indian guys within in the same cast and getting married and now i'm bringing so much shame to my family. i'm getting verbal abuse every single day from my bro and mum, it's depressing me and now my anties have got involved in me meeting indian guys etc now they are getting a guy to come to see me tomm (meat on the market) i so don't want to go through with it i havnt told my bf as it would break his heart, ive told my mum i don't like this indian guy. but now i'm issue because i'm considered old and should take what i can get...i'm so scared beacuse my parents are feeling the pressure they have made they mind up in they head that i need to get maaried potentinaly to this guy cos they had great reviews about him, i cnt breath thinking about it...i want to tel my parents about my bf but i know they will kill me and maybe him2. i dnt want to hurt anyone i can't see any options out of this. the few i thought of was 1- marry indian for the family then divorce him but i cnt ruin his life cos of me 2 - end my life.pls help

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    1. Hi ,I usually don't comment and am just a silent reader of this interesting blog but I just saw your post.Since its been a couple of month I don't know what the situation is right now.Please don't think of ending your life that is never an option.The logical thing to do would be to move out and start living on your own if your parents aren't coming around.TC.

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  54. Hi,Im a filipina and been in a relationship with an Indian(brahmin)for 4 years. He already told his parents about our relationship but as expected they didn't accept it and his parents found a girl for him to marry. He can't decide because he made a mistake of telling his parents to search for a girl when we had a big fight (he thought im not happy with him"this is his explanation"). His family is totally against us and urging him to meet the girl once he goes back to India. He ask his younger brother to come to Philippines and see for himself that our relationship is serious so he can help us convincing their parents. He stopped talking to his parents to avoid all the drama. He said he will only talk to them after going back to India and he will represent me to his parents since no one is supporting me. Problem was he is not verbally rejecting the indian girl that his parents found for him and until now his parents have hope that he will marry her or if not her some other indian girl within their community. I already asked some advice to an Indian friend and told me to convince my bf to choose me in a way that he will be assured that I will make my bf happy in the future. He said don't lose hope but don't expect to much .
    Please help me. I don't know what to do :(

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  55. Compliments on a great blog you write , have been reading a lot of topics you have written about and find them really informative. It also looks like you have the role of agony aunt thrust on you to solve everyones problems and give advise :-) you're doing a great job !
    Indian families seem more complex because the extended families and the society they live in puts a lot of pressure on maintaining status quo . Intercultural , intercaste , interstate , interreligious love marriages are all seen as a threat to the set norms , beliefs and values that have existed and passed on for centuries , hence the tussle . All cultures and civilisations go through it , what was unacceptable 50 years ago in western society is very acceptable today and hopefully as people become more educated they will be able to tackle these issues better ( when I was a kid , love marriages used to be so frowned about nowadays they are so common in India ) .
    I am an Indian woman married to an Aussie , only my immediate family knows about it and my hubby is still a big secret in India among the relatives and friends. Yes I told my parents first about him being my friend and later on asking for their blessings to marry him ( we know how our parents mind works ) . They agreed after realising that we were seriously in love and I was going to follow my heart anyways . They did request it to not be told to the extended family etc. I respect my parents wishes in Not telling my Indian relatives because I do realise the social stigma that they may face and also it is not too important as we live in Australia . My brothers are fine with it and my hubby stays with them on our visit to India when I go to meet all the relatives etc . I think he prefers it that way too as he finds it hard being stared at and questioned a lot as you do when you travel with your indian wife in India ( imagine having to deal with relatives and friends too :-)
    So that's another perspective that I wanted to share from my own experience. I think one needs to work out what one wants and be ready to face / adapt to situations in the best way possible :-)
    Cheers Ana

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  56. this is something I am having a lot of trouble with!! I am very much in love with a girl whose father is from Tamilnadu and I believe her mother to be half. we are both in highschool, which I know makes me sound immature but I am advanced well beyond my age! I met her a few years ago from another "group" at school. we became very good friends and were so for two years. both of us had fallen in love with the other but were too shy to tell the other. she is an amazing person whom id love to spend my life with! she is intelligent, kind and beautiful!! during our years of friendship I learnt a bit about her parents but not much as she never really told any of us any of it, however they have been abusive in the past to present. last year she moved schools, and I finally told her how I felt. I asked her out and she said yes making me incredibly happy! we were only able to see eachother a few times as she cannot tell her parents about me for reasons obvious. but a few months ago her father had a talk with her. this talk sent her on a guilt trip and she broke it off with me so she was no longer betraying her father. after a few weeks she contacts me and tells me she still loves me and wants to be with me. but we cannot because of her father. both of her parents are emotional and violent. she doesn't care as much of what her mother thinks just her father which is why i'm in this predicament. she has said many times that if we could get his approval she would be happy to but at the same time she says it is likely never to happen. and unfortunately I have nothing that can alter that. I am definitely not rich in the slightest, im one of the poorest people in my region. I currently do not have a job, and cannot get one due to a lack of birth certificate and no money to get one, however I have a job lined up when I finally do get it. and I have a terrible family history. my father abandoned me and my mother before birth, leaving her to raise me on her own. she has had many a boyfriend since which im sure will not loog good in this situation. I was raised almost entirely by women except for my pop (not blood related) and a lunatic grandfather. I met my father when I was 11 and we have very little to do with each other. and I now have a half sister. and two soon to be step sisters, but I have only ever seen them twice. (the eldest is half my age) the only thing I have going well for me is my intelligence and education, though the schooling is very difficult due to a lack of money sometimes causing my grades to suffer. so as you can see im in a very difficult situation and I do not think I will be able to gain her fathers approval no matter how hard I try :( she is everything to me and I would do anything to be with her but I fear there is nothing I can do to remedy my situation. if by some form of a miracle you can think of a way that would help it would be very highly appreciated!!!

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    1. Hey Joshua,

      I dont know why I am doing this but i am replying to you a year later that what you have written.

      Anyways here is some advice for you that i have come up with and even experienced before.

      I know it seems hard but you have to fight for the girl who you love. Hard work always pays off and even though it seems hard (and even though this seems cliche) you fight till your last breath. In regards to your background dont worry about that now. Stay focused on improving your grades, apply to jobs (even the ones that you dislike), save money, and if your trying to apply to college then try aiming for colleges. Even small amounts of money can make a difference. But you cant be the only one maintaining and focusing on your relationship. Your girlfriend (and I dont mean to sound harsh) needs to take a stand and summon that inner courage to fight for true love (lol cliche again I know). I know being indian can be hard and that is why a key is having patience and staying confident. Many indian parents have a goal or have their childs life all planned out for them. But thats just bogus.

      Im rereading what you sent just now and I have come across her parents being violent. And I know its scary. Believe me I know and its hard to deal with it. Your head is pounding and your heart seems to be twisting inside and out. But remember what I said about courage before...

      You and your girlfriend are not alone there are so many communities that will support you two... even though im replying a about a year later...

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  57. It really saddens me to read these posts although also gives me strength to know I am not alone. I have been with my hindu boyfriend for 5 years now, a white girl living in the uk. I am 37.He still point blank refuses to tell his parents about us as he says his parents will force us to get married and he isn't ready for marriage yet. 2 of 3 of his sisters are married to white men, and it seems they expect more from him. Obviously I cannot comprehend the pressure he must be under, but I still get angry that he does not stop lying and be a man! We have lived together for 3 years on a casual basis which they don't know.I am also worried that any future relationship I could have with his parents would be damaged by the fact I feel discriminated against and excluded and resentful ! Stand up for yourselves now before you ruin others lives too.

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  58. I really wish I could help, but I myself am very confused. I am white and have been in a realationship with a wonderful, handsome, smart, loving indian man for over 2 years. I was introduced as his friend to his mom. I thought it was odd that he wasnt telling her I am his girlfriend, but this blog has helped me to understand a little more now. I am divorced with children. I have met his mother and she is wonderful! She is so sweet, and seems to be fine with our relationship. We have lived together in the past, but not anymore as he is away for school. My hurt is due to we are not married, but planning too, and I am almost 6 months pregnant. He has nottold his mom. I feel like he is ashamed of the baby and we have recently had a fight because i cant understand why he doesnt want to share this joy with her. She has the right to know, this is her first grandchild. Its a girl. I want to understand, but i feel hurt and cant. Im so happy, why cant he be? He has had plenty of time to tell her and he says he will when the time is right. She is planning to visit the same week the baby is due. She is asking me via email to make arrangements to visit with her. I do not want to spring this baby on her, i want her to share in the joy of the pregnancy, i havent told her because i think its his place, but if he doesnt then i will. I dont want to be rude and not reply to her emails but do not want to hide the baby from her. Please help.

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  59. I'm an Indian girl who lives in the uk dating a punjabi guy who also lives in the uk (we were born and raised here). So here's my story...

    1. I may as well be white. No seriously, in their eyes, I am anyway. I dye my hair, have tattoos, piercings, I go out, I have a huge mix of friends from different ethnicities, I really don't engross myself in the Indian culture. I can't speak Hindi. Although I can make a round roti!

    2. I'm not the same type of Indian. So that's not good. I don't understand a word of punjabi.

    3. My parents are like from a completely different planet to his. They let my bf come around and chill at mine all the time, in my room, no disturbances, they love him in fact. There's no issue whatsoever.

    Now I'm an educated girl. I'm in the process of completing my doctorate. I have a masters and degree already. I also would say that I'm quite a nice person, without blowing my trumpet. I have his best intentions at heart and I love him.

    But I feel judged. So so so judged. They tolerate me. But we've been together for less than a year and it's difficult because a) I'm older than him (by 2 years, so not that much but the HORROR!) b) I'm not like "oh let's get married" any time soon, we need to live together first etc! And c) I'm different to the ideal his mum had carved out for him (you know, good little punjabi girl, won't say boo to a squirrel, good at cleaning etc). I told him today, I came into his life like a massive s***storm and messed his mums plans up royally! Anyway, I'm not allowed around his house. I was allowed after dating him for 6 months (which only came up after a 3 hour chat they had where he explained that I'd be coming round as were saving to buy our own place) but I went round too much (3 weekends in A WHOLE ROW - I've been around to his a total of 6 times in 6 months, 3 of them being in the last month) and that was it. I'm no longer welcome around as frequently as my welcomes were outstayed.

    So basically, were back to square one. Zero even, because now I won't step foot in his house again as I just feel damn awkward, unwelcome and uncomfortable. And I'm a brown girl. I feel like the whole relationship with his parents is fake, so they only want to get to know me once I have a ring on my finger? And then what? All of a sudden, you're gonna act like theyre my best friend? What if we never get married? Is the ring like a passport into their house? (Well actually it's obvious it is) What am I until then, a dirty little secret??? Like I LOVE YOUR SON, HE LOVES ME.

    It's hard for me coz in all honesty, this is alien to me. It's kinda hurtful as well, I feel like I'm not good enough for their son. And yeah, I know it's not personal, etc etc. But it sure feels it! But lol as long as were married. Marriages end in divorce a LOT these days. That's why we want to be sure. Plus it's only coming up to a year now!!

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  60. im an indian girl dating a white guy and have been for 18 months we met unconventionally online, its all taken a serious turn and im half way through my degree, planning on telling my parents at the end of it. my mum was divorced and then married my step dad, so they had a turbulent time telling their parents respectively.

    i know they will hate me, i know i havent been the greatest of daughters.

    my plan is to save up, finish uni with a good grade, tell them and marry my boyfriend.

    however what really gets me is that no one understands what asian girls have to give up. i wanted to do a phd(£7000), that would only be possible if i was living at home, which chances are i wont be after i tell them.

    i wanted to own a house outright by the age of 40. but that wont happen because i will have to start renting, which means i need a job, which also means i wont have enough money to do a phd, which means i wont have enough qualifications to fulfill my career goals. this also means my parents will hat me for living with him before marriage

    it also then rules out the notion of going travelling, saving for a house or doctorate or even having children and getting married because graduate jobs pay maximum of 15k ayear. for bills and transport and rent is 13-16k a year.

    so lets just recap, from the age 20- 30, i will miss out on
    1. further education
    2. choosing when to get married
    3. ability to own house and not rent
    4. ability to save substantial money for house/ children/ holidays/ travelling/car


    telling your parents isnt the only issue

    its the repurcussions. and if you dont have a plan, trust me youre royally FCUKED!

    oh lets not forget that his family dont know about this horrible situation and they are lovely. and the fact that he would happily allow our children to speak punjabi and be sikh.

    i hate it and have had to have a shit load of counselling because its affecting my mental wellbeing and that just sucks. it really really sucks. i know if i tell my parents they wont give a shit and that they will tell me its my fault for getting with a white guy and they told me so.

    i hope something changes. i hope one day we will all be free of this crap.



    sorry for all the grammatical errors, its late and im angry.

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  61. Hello, first off I am very thankful to have found this blog. I am dating an Indian guy from a very traditional Jain family. We have been together for nearly 2 years now and are in love with each other. We met in Th Netherlands during our masters studies and have both found jobs in the Netherlands so are both staying. My boyfriend has a great and steady job at a bank for about a year and starting a few months back, his family has been majorly pressuring him to get married (arranged of course as they have a very strict criteria for a suitable girl for him). My boyfriend comes from a small village in the Himalayas but has very much adapted to the western lifestyle. I know the pressure from his family is overwhelming him as his behavior has changed since they started pressuring marriage. They have even made him profiles on several indian marriage websites and are getting more intense about it by the day. My boyfriend has very much adapted to the European lifestyle and does not want to get married at the moment, especially to an indian girl via arranged marriage. I believe tonight my boyfriend hit his breaking point. We are on vacation currently and were having some cocktails when he became very emotional and began sobbing and telling me he loves me but he cannot live anymore. He repeatedly said he wants to end his life. Exactly one month ago I lost one of my best friends to suicide and am completely panicking that I will lose the love of my life. I know the pressure he is experiencing from his family is outrageous and extremely difficult for him to deal with. I am here for him no matter what but after tonight fear my help is not enough. Please someone help me. I desperately need advice. I should also add that I am a white American girl and my family does not like him after him and I went through a rough time and they think we have been over for a couple of months. I am in such a complicated situation now and feel completely helpless and scared. Please anyone, help me.

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    1. Hey Megann,

      Read your story. I am an Indian man and know about the stuff that goes on here in India. To be honest first make sure that your bf is honest with you and really wants to marry you. Because he could be pretending just to get rid of you. From experience I know that Jain families could be really strict to their children about marriage, but it does not mean that he can not marry you. If he had will power he can do it without his parents' approval and believe me any Indian man can do that if he wants to.
      Second thing is that just make it clear to him that you want a commitment and otherwise is not possible. I doubt he might be using you for sexual pleasures and at the same time doing arrangements for arranged marriage back home. But I could be wrong and you are the one to find it out.
      Don't worry if he is really upset, try to console him by words.And don't keep dating him if he does not committ . Because then you might just be used and thrown away.I think he is less likely to committ because of parents' pressure or his unwillingness to committt. Not discouraging just making you aware.
      Finally, good luck.

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    2. Your strong and can become STRONGER! Remember that! Your story is so heartbreaking but he has to stand up for himself. He's going to need your strength and as much support as possible. If you truly believe this is your life partner and he does the same, then I believe in your guys love too. I'm sorry but he has to fight for what he wants and not be a victim of tradition he does not want to be apart of. We all work so very hard in life trying to become the people we believe we should be and parents are a huge part of that so he should thank them for helping him become the man that he is today...The Man You Love! And after thanking them, he should start planting the seeds that will allow him his freedom to walk his own path. There is so much good advice in this article and i believe you have to start somewhere. Its going to be an extreme journey (as it already is and progressing) but with hope, my god can you imagine waking up next to him 1 year 5 years 10 years from now. FIGHT!!!!

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    3. Megann,

      Your strong and can be STRONGER! If you believe this man is the one you want to wake up with everyday of your life and very important he the same. Then start telling him to stand up for the path we wants to walk. There is so much good advice in this article but he has to start somewhere. Parents are a huge part of our lives, they help us figure out the path we should be on even though its not the one they laid out for us. So he should thank them for all the pressure and constant nagging for now he knows what he wants in life.
      Also head the above anonymous warning about your bf being "honest with you..." and may i ad with himself. The easier path is to give in but come on...waking up to the one you love 1 year, 5 years or 10 years from now...my god i can only imagine...but I'm So willing stand up for that! You guys should too!

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  63. So what happens if I accidentally broke all the steps and now his strict Indian mom strongly dislikes me? I wish I could have read this a few days ago.

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  64. hye sis.. im a malaysian and hindu... my lover is from india and he also hindu.. i told my mom and sister about my love because they started to find MAPPILAI 4 me.. aft i told them about this love they said lot thing to me and brainwash me to leave him... i loved him for 3 years.. me and him just meet once in 3 years... nw my mom is blackmailing me tht she will die.. and my dad until nw he doesnt knw wat's happening... nw im really confused what i should do.. my lover said he willing to cum malaysia and be a citizen just for me.. my mom doesnt want to talk with my lover or his mom.. i'm a fresh graduate who until nw jobless.. what i should do..

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  65. I've been following this post for over a year now. I first found it when I was in the throes of exasperation, frustration and anger at my Hyderabaddi bf's apparent reluctance to confront his family and have it out with them. Our situation was complicated by the usual suspects - his parents wanted to arrange his marriage, and not to a white, British girl - but also by the fact they are strong Christians and I'm atheist, and that I'm also 6 years older. Despite that, I could not understand why he would not stand up for me, or for his right to be with me. I felt insulted and I thought he was being weak. Fortunately, I read Alexandra's advice and realised that was pretty much what my other half was trying to follow. It helped me calm down and let him do things at his pace. And well... in just over a month, I am marrying the man of my dreams! His parents and sister are coming to the wedding in the UK, we talk regularly on Skype, and they are ready to accept me into their family. For anyone reading this I have two pieces of advice: 1) You need to be patient. Having big knock-out rows is not the way to win around an Indian family. If you outright challenge parents, because of the cultural importance of 'saving face' this will lead to them taking extreme steps to re-exert their authority- such as the threats many on here have faced. You need to drip feed information slowly and carefully based on timing which only your partner will be in a position to judge. And also approach the more amenable family members first. My fiancé's sister turned against us and then swung back in favour - and once that happened she was able to help us manage the parents too. 2) Do NOT do this lightly. My fiancé has been through hell over this. From their culture's perspective he has put his personal desires above the needs of his family - marriage is about making the right choice for the family, not the self. Therefore he has been selfish. Feeling that way is incredibly hard on him. He could have lost his family over it. If you are not absolutely 200% certain that this is your forever future, don't go there. I think I am fortunate that because I'm older, and have been through other long term relationships, I was in a position to say yes, I'm absolutely committed, from an earlier dating stage than many westerners would be. Ultimately, be prepared to become the best choice for him, but also for his family too. That might mean compromises - but he will have made vast cultural / family compromises to be with you, so you need to also. At the end of the day, it's been worth it for us, and I wish you all the best with your decisions too! And... massive thanks to Alexandra whose advice is spot on and saved us a lot of pain. xxx

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  66. I'm a 24 year old Indian girl and my boyfriend is White, we met so randomly I wasn't looking for anything and neither was he but after meeting once in a night out we decided to meet again and again and so on. I went to India about a month after we met and while I was there we stayed in contact he even learns Hindi which I was quite impressed with. When I came back we realised we did like each other and made our dating official. I hid it from my parents but I quickly realised this was nothing like I've experienced before he made me feel so special he really made the effort and before I realised I was falling for him I knew it was serious and my mum was getting suspicious so I admitted I had a boyfriend. That was my first mistake. She was so up and down about it one minute she seemed to underatand and the next she would threaten to tell my dad telling me I was making a mistake and saying that because he was a white guy he would just leave me probably cheat on me etc. She put so much pressure on me to tell my dad when I wasn't ready so in the end I just decided to tell her we'd broken t off. Of course I couldn't Id fallen in love with him. How ver she kept trying to find out if we were still togethe and then one day I'd been writing a blog post about the situation and I left my laptop on, my dad had read everything so that's how my Dad found out. Since then my parents have been trying to emotionally blackmail me saying ive ruined their future plans for me, I've broken their hearts ive made the wrong choice etc. I have been completely open and honest with my other half and he's been aware of the struggle I told him he could leave as this is not what he signed up for but he's standing by me he's supportong me and he loves me. We've not been together long but everything seems to have accelerated through no choice of our own but we've decided we are each other's future and I am not going to back down despite what my parents say. They haven't kicked me out even though I thought they would but they plague me with constant reasons to end the relationship and blame me for their illnesses and how im ruining their lives. I just want to know more than anything, will this pass? I'm willing to ride out this storm because I have the support of my boyfriend and his family to an extent but my parents can't see that Iv made this choic for my future and my happiness, not to go against them. I could really do with someone to be able to talk about this to. I'm being as strong as I can but this path I've chosen, although I believe it to be the right one is a bloody hard one.

    Thanks

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  67. It is comforting for me to see that I am not alone in this kind of situation.

    I am with my Indian bf (from hyderabad and orthodox muslim family) for 3 and half years now. All her sisters already got married and being the eldest in the family,since everyone is married except him and the youngest, his family is now in full force to marry him.

    Last year, he brought me to his youngest sister's wedding and met his entire clan, he introduced me as friend and his family treated me well. Now, his family is arranging his marriage, he got no choice but to tell about us. His mom was explaining her side calmly at first, but when she saw that her son won't like to get married but only to me, she started to emotionally blackmail him, she even resorted to saying that she will give all her gold to me just to leave her son.

    His dad health is not good as he is already old and his mom got hospitalized last year. I understand the pressure he is into right now, He doesn't want to disappoint his family nor also to leave me. But, I am also getting tired of this situation and panicky because I don't wanna lose him and can't picture myself w/out him. Before, I used to convince him to get married w/out their permission as I am already 31 and he is 35 but he doesn't want to as he believes that it will do more harm than good to both families and our relationship.

    I don't know what is the fate awaiting for us in the near future, but I hope that after all these struggles, pain, and effort to keep the relationship,it will be worth it and turned to happily ever after.

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  68. Tamil Brahmins have intermarried with whites for the last 100 years

    The main sticking point is conversion to Hinduism ( called Shuddi )
    and Vegetarian diet

    The first marriage was

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rukmini_Devi_Arundale#Early_life_and_marriage

    Dr. George Arundale ( british ) married Rukmini Devi ( tamil brahmin ) in Chennai in 1920

    Arundale became a vegetarian and was a follower of Theosophism , ( included many hindu concepts )

    There are certain races and religions and castes that will never be accepted by most Hindus, Jains, Sikhs,

    But whites have it easier than all other races , for the simple reason, that lighter skin grandchildren is a very strong marker of higher caste. If you look at bollywood, all the actresses look very nearly white.

    There is a very long story behind it, but in summary, most upper castes share very recent dna ancestry with white Euro. Sanskrit the root of most Indian languages is an Indo-European language, along with English

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  69. Hi,

    I want to start the same as so many people have done here. I am a Mauritian girl of Indian descent (24 years old) and I have been studying in the Uk for the past 4 years. 2 years back I met my British boyfriend (who is 2 years younger to me )at a uni club and we have been going out for 1 year now. Wanting to be honest, I told my mom about him 4 months in. I might have done it the wrong way but she freaked out ( she was meant to be the sane one) and overnight things became different. She told me that this would cause my dad a heart attack ( not that he has the condition). there has been a wall between me and her since then. She has seen him a couple of times but still denies it or refuses to acknowledge it. She say at some point that what am feeling might just be because of maybe me being curious about sex and such. She has come to visit me for the first time and for my graduation. And she refuses to see him or even meet him. She has never talked to him and calls him satan. We have fought about him yesterday and she said that she does not understand "this love thing" and that she thinks it all rubbish and that she does not approve. I am running clueless at what to do now. I am to go home soon and if I don't find a job in UK, i might be stuck home for ages if not forever. I need to get through to my mom and tell my dad ( he will go bronkers and I am afraid that he will never talk to me or disown me). On the other hand my boyfriend's family has been so accepting and happy for us. My boyfriend has still got at least 1 year to go to finish uni.

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  70. Hi brilliant blog, very insightful. I am 30 year old white British woman who was with British Muslim man for almost 2 years. (His family are from Kashmir) we have know each other for 11 years. We spoke of marriage, kids, a future together but I have been a secret thought. It's the first time he has let himself fall in love (he has had casual relationships in the past) and we decided we wanted to marry. He told his parents 2 months ago and they are furious and won't allow. He says if he stay with me he will lose them and he just can't, so has left me. I'm very hurt and confused as I said I would fight for him, but he can't seem to find the courage to stand up to his parents properly. We were living together and he has gone back home to them (they live in uk). All the promises he made, the dreams we made, all taken just because I'm white?! He says his life isn't his to give me and he's sorry-I'm so confused!
    I am well educated and have a good career, very independent, I feel judged and punished for falling in love. He says he love me but can't go against his parents?!

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  71. Oh don't get me started....I found out last week that my now ex was dating someone he works with after "maybe a month we broke up" so he tells me and we've only been broken up 2 months and we broke up because his family found out about me (it was after like 2 weeks they got together. I'm not as stupid as I look!) now his parents found out about his new bird, and he's moved out and is staying in a real with her because they wouldn't even look at him in their family home in London, or so he tells me (I get that's tough, but how does he think I feel right now after finding out the truth through flaming Facebook. We were together almost 2 years) why he couldn't have done that for me I don't know.
    She's white also may I add. I even deleted my previous comment on here stating all the details about our break up because I felt sorry for him just in case he'd seen it. When really he was taking me for a mug.

    My situation was such a confusing one with the stuff we had going on, mainly my health. I'm epileptic and it got really bad. Just days before we broke up he was ringing up my friend asking how I've been, because well basically, I'd had a seizure 2 days before and dropped her baby I was holding and he wanted to know what really happened because I had no idea what had gone on! 2 days later, we break up, then 2 weeks later he's with someone else....how does that even happen?!

    But basically, I just don't know what to think about men, regardless of what skin colour they have. So I can feel everyone's heartache going on here. I have now deleted him out of my life, after I had a go at him when I find out the truth of course! And am trying my best to move on with my life. I give my best to everyone on here!
    Lots of love
    Xxx

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    Replies
    1. Oh goodness me! I'm so sorry! Did you guys also break up because of family pressures and them just not willing to budge? I really feel for u. I guess the lesson for both of us is that they are not worth it and we deserve better which is easier to say believe me I am still suffering every day! But time will heal us and we will move on from this, we have to!

      I find it fascinating that (forgive me if I cause any offence) a lot of Muslim boys and men in UK are given so much freedom to live as they please and embrace the westernised society. But when they do and fall in love with a 'local girl' they are threatened (or my ex was) of being cut off and told he will bring shame to the family name etc. there's No consideration for me in any of this, I was dropped over Night! I feel like he tried a little and told them but about 3-4 hours later he came back and said they said I wasnt an option and although he was upset he wasn't willing to push them anymore, like he had been brainwashed over night?!? Why stop at the first hurdle? I feel pretty humiliated by the whole situation!

      Regarding your ex I can't believe the way he has behaved that is despicable and u r better off without him. I also do not understand men right now! And I'm really struggling to understand how/why I let myself get into this situation. I just fell in love foolishly with the wrong person.

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    2. I also have decided to not speak or see him, it's too painful and he doesn't deserve a friendship after the way he treated me. I wish my story had a happy ending (and I know so many ppl who do/have got through this !) I guess it just wasn't want to be :( good luck to u all xx

      Delete
    3. Mine was Hindu. But yeah family pressures - or that's what he told me. They would barely speak to him or look at him at home and when his new gf was found out, that made it too horrible for him to live like that and that's when he moved out. Weather he's living with her I don't know. Don't think I want to know to be honest. But still it's heartbreaking to me to think that a girlfriend of 3 weeks made him move out and still be with, but I was dumped, as you were, at the first hurdle so to speak after almost 2 years.

      From the get go he told me his family weren't that religious, but he wanted to find the best time to tell them all/approach the situation. I kinda get that, but I'd previously met his mum "as a friend" and we really got on and hugged and kissed goodbye when we left, which she'd never don't to a (girl)friend of his before. Which made me think, she clearly knows I'm actually is his girlfriend and is fine with it because of how she acted towards me...!

      I'm thought putting my story out there would help you/any others that are in this rubbish situation, that you aren't the only ones and we all deserve so much better.

      I have more serious things to worry about now and he totally isn't worth even my thoughts anymore, and your ex isn't worth your thoughts. Girl power! -sorry, was a spice girl fan haha
      Good luck. Hope you feel better soon! Xx

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  72. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  73. Hi! I am white girl with an Indian boyfriend. We are together for 2 years and obviously his family doesn't know about us. We live in UK as well as few of his relatives but his parents and his sister are in India. Previously I've been married for one year but the whole relationship with my ex (white guy) was 7 years and it ended up by him cheating on me. I think, because of my experience, sometimes I am scarred I will end up alone again.
    We meet when we used to work together so his closest friends ( Indians as well) that live in UK know
    about us. He used to live with his relatives but after few months of relationship we moved together. They still don't know about us. He told only to his cousin and she was ok ( I've never meet her). We traveled to my country at the beginning of this year and he meet my family that loves him. We also got engaged when we were in my country. We always speak about marriage and having a family and when he went in India in April he was trying to tell to his family but he said he couldn't find the right moment.
    He is saying that after his sister will get married and after he will finish to pay the loan that his dad took for his university he will tell them. But sometimes I am so frustrated and scared that when the time will come he wil just leave me.
    His father was trying to marry his sister,even if she didn't wanted, last April but couldn't find a boy. Now they find someone and they plan to engage her and after that to marry her next April. She is not happy and i asked him to help her because she is asking him to speak with the parents but he is telling me that she needs to marry because this is how is it there. That concerns me more because I am thinking his mentality didn't changed. I was always telling him that if he plans to leave me alone better leave me now and not after 5,6 years because it will be more painful but he always says that he will never leave me and if his parents will not accept me he doesn't care. He just want them to know.

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  74. Hi,

    Please i need advice. I'm 30years old and my boyfriend is 27. We have been together for 7-8 months now and all was perfect. He studied in the UK and he had to leave to Punjab as his visa expired and he apply for a new one but then took longer so he had to go back. We was on and off of the idea to marry as we didn't want his family to think he did it just for the visa. So we decided to go with the hard way. When he went back he told his friends about me. Then he start telling his cousins and 3 days ago I received very upsetting email from him that his cousin told his mum so she told his mum and all the big family drama started and all the family was involved. That was on for more then a week and I didn't know anything. In the email also say he can't contact me anymore as his family told him his mum won't live if he do that. Since this he haven't contact me and I don't know what to think. I'm totally broke and so hurt. Please I need advice

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hi, i was in the same situation with my indian boyfriend. i feel sorry for u, because i've been in the same situation. indian man can be very stubborn and family oriented, if he can't have the strength to be with you, and still be able to respect is parents, and make them believe that he loves both and cares for both of them, he won't have the courage to stand up. my ex boyfriend student visa ended as well, and he hat go to back, he broke up with me, the situation is exactly like yours, except that mine lied to me all the time, cause he never loved me, i guess. how can you go agains your heart? your parents have to understand that you love someone, and u can't be unhappy. selfish indian parents. my advice is, don't make any drama (indian man are very stubborn and he won't bend, unless he realize that he really loves you. yeah mine never came back and it's been a while already. he left me complete broken. like no other man did before). question is, does he have any chance to come back? does he want to come back? can you sponsor him to marry him in your country? all this has to be answered. also, his he ok if u visit him in india? well, mine wasn't at all !! good luck. if you need any advice let me know. theres nothing u can do, except u meet again, and he must want. beware he might be in pain and confused, give him some time, but don't let him be selfish enough to contra the all scenario, i mean, don't crawl once he says something, unless he treats u very well. mine just treated me like shit after going back to india, he was totally brainwashed.
      signed ª

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    2. another thing is, aged…ur 30, same as me… his parents have to accept a foreigner which as 30 years old (according to indian standards u must have something wrong to be single at this age).. so, give him some time…. be patiente
      signed: ª

      Delete
    3. another thing is, age…ur 30, same as me. his parents have to accept a foreigner which has 30 years old (according to indian standards u must have something wrong to be single at this age). so, give him some time. be patient….
      signed: ª

      Delete
    4. Thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciate it!
      He treats me extremely well all the time and he said he didn't want to tell me because he can't bear to hurt me but I guess the family pressure is big. Yes he respect his family a lot but I'm trying to believe his love is big enough to fight.
      I'm so hardly trying to stay positive but sometimes I can't and cry like mad. We was planing if anything goes wrong I'll go there and marry him. I was planning to go there end of October as will give him time. I have name of hotels near his home as he gave them a month ago just in case anything goes wrong. I don't know if this is good idea but I have a lot time to think. Don't know if he come to see me or not.

      Delete
    5. Hello again :))
      Well, at least he seems the kind of man who wants to be with u , despite his family (mine told me i wasnt welcome in his parents house and he told me that i shouldn go to india ever to visit him),
      He broke up out of the blue, despite all the promisses, saying he woul e with me forever and that he loved me!
      Once in india is very difficult for him to leave, not only because of money, but because of visa!
      If u wanna be with him, and if he is willing to be with u, i would go there to visit him (at some point u have to meet his parents!! And maybe marry him). Bear in mind that in order to do this u might need to stay in india for more than a couple of weeks. Just search about it.
      Wish mine would be like yours! We was tottally brainwashed and only treated me like shit after going back home. He was very gentle to me and caring, so i am shocked and because of that i am nt talking to him, he is always being bad to me now, just bad actions and words, he even blocked me on wassup, not to mention in facebook, lol.
      Good luck. Let me know how it ended :)))
      Signed: ª

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    6. Hi again. Really appreciate your reply. Things doesn't go too well. He unfriended me on FB but still on whatsapp. I do still believe all this is because of the pressure and all the people involved in all this. I can't know as he doesn't talk to me still. I send him one last message which I hope will lift his hope up a little and help him be strong and fight. I guess also as he still wait for the visa there's not a point to arguing with family. I'm mostly fine as believe in him. Still have bad periods and cry for a bit. It might sounds stupid but I believe in us... He messed things as telling so many people (probably because he was excited) about me and him so we pay for it. Just worry as I know him and he firstly react very emotionally on situations then think what happened and why and how to change it. This is why I don't put anymore pressure on him as if I don't support him then how is he gonna manage. I Dont know. Hope I don't sound that stupid.
      I send him the last message on Wednesday, he doesn't sleep, can see him online when there's very late like 2-3-4 o'clock... Hope I'm right and he will come back soon. Me going to there is a bit not realistic anymore. I can't go without knowing he's waiting for me. Don't want to suffer anymore if he don't come to see me

      Delete
    7. hello again. i am so sad to ear he deleted you on Facebook :/ well, he can do that to protect u, or to protect himself as well. i couldn't tag mine anymore in our pictures together, as all the family and friends back in india were gossiping about it and we was getting a few phone calls as well ! also, he told his parents about me (i guess he was excited as well).
      i guess he just ended up everything when he saw that there wasn't any way out from here. family was making a lot of pressure and if ur the eldest son, u have to take care of your parents or all your family will be offended and will face consequences :/
      someone told me once (i cried a lot as well but the way), that it doesn't matter what he says, what others say, it matters what he does. what is he doing? ignoring u (like mine), not answering you (like mine). well, at least he is not treating you bad or anything (theres a hope for u still.). i guess he is in a point that he might be trying to decide what to do next, trying to keep a very low profile (i would be afraid if he was trying to push u away so soon already). so u have to be a little bit patient. don't over text him (indian man are really kind but they can be very stubborn. have u ever read indian authors and the pillars of hinduism? check it, cause indians believe about karma throughout renunciation and good will. mine believe in all this things. saying this, he might love u, but according to their beliefs, he might not fight for you……).
      “The person whose mind is always free from attachment (they consider material and non material stuff…), who has subdued the mind and senses, and who is free from desires, attains the supreme perfection of freedom from karma through renunciation.”
      good luck. i would say that now i wouldn't go there, i would wait to see if he is waiting for u in india and if he already convoked his parents about your marriage and stuff..
      keep me updated.
      ps. i just gave up after realizing mine wasn't coming back after being brainwashed, its been almost two years, but keep the fait girl. good luck! hope ur luckier :))
      my advice is, talk to someone you can trust and go out a bit, it helps somehow..
      see u soon
      signed: ª

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    8. Hi again. My last post on here. just want to say the end of the story. He emailed me on Monday and end it all. Very cold email... never thought he could do the way he did it... He could of done it in different way but well, can't do anything about it. I have to move on and forget. Will be hard as Im pregnant in 14th week... He doesn't know, was hiding it from him as didn't want him to come back because of the baby but because of me. I have blocked him from everywhere soon as I saw the email. Its going to be hard period for me but Ill manage. Cant have someone like him near me and my child. He will probably find out sometime but won't be from me.

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    9. Pregnant????? Do you have any support from the family? Are you keeping the baby? It might not be easy to raise a child alone. I wish you all the best. I feel very sorry for what happened. Mine broke up with me in a cold way as well, suddenly, and he left me without margin to fight back for him. I am not going after someone that doesn't love me enough to be with me only because his parents.
      I hope he will find out from someone else, before he marries with someone else! You'r right, he has to come back because of you. I would like to know what his mummy thinks about his saint sun that had sex with his gf and left let and her kid. She would slap him for sure, or maybe his fiancé!
      I don't know whats happening with mine now, actually he blocked me everywhere so I can't see shit of his life. I still think about it, which is a shame; i really liked him.
      If you want you can give me your email, instead of posting here over and over. Otherwise, good luck. I wish you all the best for u and the baby. Just love him the way your mother loved you, or even more!
      ª

      Delete
  75. HI. I am a Indian girl with a Jamaican guy.......our life is amazing. but because there is no concept of boyfriends in my culture. he seems to find it hard to understand why he cannot come with me when I visit my family home. he feels that to he is a side show. he wants to be in my life including apart of my family. This process will take time. but in the mean time when ever I visit my family he is left alone.but because there is no boyfriend, girlfriend culture. he finds it hard to commit fully. I'm lost in this situation. but understand from both views. kindly advise what steps I can take to let him know.

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    Replies
    1. Hi, not sure if I can help. I'm not Indian but as I have read a lot I can suggest you to have a sit down and have a proper conversation with your BF as I know the feeling. I felt the same way and I didn't understand it as my BF never explained properly to me. I had to make him talk about it so he explain all that he is worry about. Find some information in Google also and give him to read. There are so many things out there that can help you. Now your problem is not how to tell your parents but make your BF understand your culture and why there is no BF and gf thing.
      Good luck and keep us posting!

      Delete
  76. Hello, I am a White girl with an Indian boyfriend. He and I just recently began our relationship a few months back, however, we both have known each other since high school and have been best friends ever since. His family and my family both live in America(California to be exact) and we live about a block away from one another. So whenever I visit him, I always just walk to his house. His parents already know that we have been friends since high school and they know me pretty well, but we have yet to tell them about our relationship.

    When I was looking up 'how to tell your indian parents about your white girlfriend' I came across this blog. I just wanted to say that this article really opened up my eyes and my mind as to what to expect when it finally comes time to tell his parents. As well as how to go about the process slowly and carefully.

    I know now, that the process will take time, and that being accepted by his parents is a rough and rocky road and can set us up on an emotional roller coaster. But I am definitely willing to do whatever it takes and to endure the steps it will take to get us to that point. I love my man to bits and pieces and already our relationship, from having been best friends for years, is really strong. I know that he and I can make it through to the end and come out just as strong as ever with his parents' acceptance.

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  77. Hi All, what a great site. Maybe someone's advice can help resolve this all to similar issue:

    I am an American guy living here in Chicago.

    The Indian girl I love is from Kolkata. Actually, she and I work for the same company. We originally began corresponding over Skype, as coworkers, which transformed into a more personal relationship. Then when my company sent me to Kolkata for 3 weeks, we had a chance to be together and we shared many things, and several which would 100% be against the culture of an Indian woman.

    She and I desire each other more than anything. We want to get married so very badly & have a family. However, there are several obstacles in the way.

    First, her Father does not like Americans. He has a certain view on American people.

    Next, her parents forced her into a Socially Arranged Marriage. Since then, she has not lived with him, did not take his last name, still lives with her parents, refuses to recognize the arrangement, and says she'll fight it to the very end. I might add, both he and her parents know about me and show she feels about me.

    And finally, there is the Indian culture. She tells me that no one has even done anything other than an arranged marriage in her family for many generations, and how can she be the first to break tradition, to hurt her family?

    I told her a story of a someone I know from the local gym, a black guy, who also met a girl from New Dehli when his company sent him there. They also fell in love, and after 1 year, against her family, she left and they got married. Her parents did not talk with her for 6 months. And after she became pregnant and had a daughter, all of a sudden, he is the best son-in-law in the family and can visit anytime.

    Her comment to that is, "My parents are not her parents". When I ask to make contact with her parents, she just asks me not to make the situation more complicated. Yet she tells me she is afraid of going through the rest of her life without me.

    An Indian man at the same gym told me that if I want her bad enough, all I need is patience.

    She often tells me that I should forget her, that it will just not work, that there is no way it can ever happen. I then ask her, if can she forget me? And of course, she replies "No." I tell her that women all over the world, including Indian women, make this choice. I have told her that I will learn whatever Indian culture is necessary or needed. She needs to think long term.

    We talk every day about so many things, and so much about a possible future and family we both want with each other. I tell her how once her family sees how happy she is here, and how successful she is, and what a happy family we have, they will accept me.

    I ask her what kind of parents she has, if they know she does not love or care for him, yet they force her to be with him.

    I try to explain to her that she has a God given right to be happy and choose her own way. And that once her parents are gone, who is she doing it for? I try to show her the freedom here. To explain that the decision she is making is not hers, but someone else living her life. I tell her that she is not someone's pet, but has desires and wishes and wants and needs to do them. The world is a huge place, and life is short.

    She agrees with it all, and tells me she is afraid of going through the rest of her life without me. but always comes back to telling me how complicated it all is, and just to forget her.

    Can I win this? Can I make her strong enough to do what she desires, instead of letting someone else choose her life? Do we have any chance of a future.........., because I love her, and she loves me. How can I convince her parents?

    Thank you!

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    1. Dear Chicago guy

      I can totally understand how you feel and of a nerve-wrecking situation this ist for you. I always think how cruel it is to force someone to be with someone you don't want to be with. So for your girl it must be horrible as well. Right now, you probably think that there is nowhere to go without losing. If she decides to follow her parents wish you lose her, if she chooses to be with you she might lose her parents.

      From my own experience (I am a female european and with my bf is Indian), somehow there must be a way. It's a huge struggle is messes with you mentally and at some point all you want is give up but at the same time you don't want to, so it feels like a dead end.

      She fears to be the person people will point at because she will be the first person to "break" a tradition, same in my case as well. I think if she really, really want this and you, then she Needs to be strong and take the storms that will come. You need to support her. Maybe you will go back to India again an suggest to meet her parents (as the know about you) as in you address her parents directly with a polite letter and tell them you want to meet them to get to know each other as you really care about their daughter and you only want the best for her and what your values are (mostly to dismiss the misconseptions Indians have about western culture).

      But before that I suggest that you and your girlfriend talk about your relationship and where it should go seriously. You Sound very sure about the whole Thing but she seems to be not so much. Well, she wants you but at the same time her fear is stronger and tells you to forget about her. So I think, you fors yourselves need to be absolutely sure that it's the two of you and no one else. She needs to be convinced and fear should have no space in her mind anymore. Because else, it will drive you nuts as you never know if there really is a future or not.

      You will probably need looooads of patience but if you are sure about it, it will be worth it. Love always finds a way. Don't give up just yet but also take care of your mental health. If it starts become unbearable then it's not healthy anymore either.

      Take care and good luck!!

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    2. Hi,

      Thank you so much for this letter you have written. It is filled with a lot of useful information.

      Earlier today I mentioned that perhaps I should come back to India to meet her parents. Her parents get their opinion of Americans based on the movies they see. All the open sex & divorce. I told her I want to show them that I am not like that.

      Her reply was that if I did, she may not be able to spend the time with me that we need. This leads me to believe that she is a prisoner in her own home. I am feel extremely bad for her.

      At the same time, I do not wish to present her with an ultimatum, "If you love me that much, you will come here for us." As that will just give her pressure and make her feel guilty.

      The last time I saw her was 6 months ago, and now, it seems like a lifetime. I have thought to send her parents an introduction letter, but then again, should I ask her permission.

      I also told her, where there is a will, there is a way. True love cannot be stopped. We both want the same thing, and we talk about it, and raising a family all the time. She wants to come here to me in the worst possible way. But the whole family tradition is holding her back.

      Additionally, I am actually about 15 years older than her. This does not bother her at all, but I am worried if it bothers her parents. At least 3-4 times I week I write her letter, sweet letters. I even suggested showing some to her parents, so they can see my intentions are sincere.

      I guess I have nothing else to do at this time, but be patient, and continue to request to come and visit and possibly meet her parents.

      Thank you again for your letter, and, if you have any more thoughts, I would love to hear them.

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    3. Hello again

      I totally know how you feel and how it is. The point which she says, if you came to India you won't have the time you need, I totally understand. But I think, this is the price you two must be willing to pay. I went through the same. When I met my bf parents for the first time we could barley spend time together alone. We couldn't even spend the night (I stayed in a hotel) and we are both around 30 years old!! Second time the same when i met his parents again, it was even worse then, almost no time and we haven't seen each other in three months...but it might be very fruitful.

      I also know how painful it is that you haven't seen each other in 6 months...I went through the same, even for 7 months at one point. It was just terrible. But we both made it through.

      Well, I certainly don't suggest to give her an ultimatum, that's always the worst one can do, because like this everyway she goes she has to lose and more over she could use is against you in like several years when you have a fight or basically everything you do she doesn't like could be a possible: "...but I gave everything up for you". She for herself need to make a decision what she wants. What I have learned over the last couple of year being in an interracial or even Whindian relationship is, that if she decides to be with you (which i really hope for the two of you) her parents might be mad at her, disappointed or will emotionally blackmail her with the worst stuff, but by the end of the day, she's their daughter and they will love her no matter what and they (hopefully) will come around. It will need time for sure. But they most probably won't ban her from the family or something like that.

      If you want to get in touch apart from here (that we don't spam Alexandras posts ;)) you can gladly email me on toloveanindian@gmail.com

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  78. Hi. I read your whole blog and it enlightened me. I had a boyfriend from India which is in Mumbai. I am in breakup with him right now. He explain me his situation and i felt so sad and depressed. I dont actually understand the type of marriage system in india which is a fix marriage. I told him that we can both explain to his parents and i will be ready but he didn't let me because of his parents that might not still agree. Its so sad but I accepted it. I felt sorrowful these days because our relationship were not known by our parents. We thought we could go to love marriage. Its my first time to comment and do this stuff here. Its really painful for both of us because we shared our love for 2 years. We don't have anger in our hearts but he choose me to set me free. Now, we're still friends even on facebook. Do a bit conversation. but the pain and love is still here. I see no chances for marriage between intercultural relationship. Im from Philippines and he is from India. Its so sad and hard for both of us

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    1. I just hope that I found this blog before we ended. I understand his situation and his views for his family. I wanted him to know about this but the reunion won't happen instead remain as friends

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    2. Please help me if should I tell him and show this blog to him that might change the situation. He isn't even marrying yet. We still both love each other. I don't know why do I feel like begging him not to leave me or to fight for me in his parents.

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  79. I'm an American with Indian-born parents. I deeply love my cousin from India. I first told her through a letter that I loved her more than 5 years ago. This was during our teenage years. Time went on and she never responded to me. We met once again a year after that in India and she was a little older and we had little subtle moments here and there and then I had to go back to the US. When I got back, we used to talk online every day but since she didn't respond to me ever, it was just a "really good friend/cousin" excuse for talking. But she knew I loved her and it was absolutely clear. So I can't say how I found out but she actually loved me too that whole time. You have to trust me. I found out that the reason she never told me directly that she loves me is because of her mother. The thing is, 3 out of her 4 siblings (2 out of 4 at the time) loved another person as well and this caused their mother distress. Her mother has this extreme desire to arrange her children's marriages.

    Since the one I love is the youngest child, she grew up seeing all the arguments and yelling and how it caused problems for her mom. In her head, she decided very early that even though she loves her siblings and can actually try to convince her mom for their marriages, she can't fight for herself. She can't do that to her mom because it's *definitely* going to cause even more distress to her mom. She basically "knows" that the marriage will never happen because her mother wants to arrange her marriage and she doesn't have the guts to tell her and hurt her and make her mom feel like, "Oh, even YOU, my last child, want to go against me and marry someone you love now???". She's basically scared of convincing her mother or anyone else convincing her mother FOR her because she knows there will be arguments to get her mother to accept it...even though the 3 out of her 4 siblings had to get their mother convinced in order for their marriage to happen.. and they all happened! But I guess that's why she is even more reluctant. Because she is the youngest and feels like she doesn't deserve that happiness like her siblings at the expense of her mother not being okay with it internally. Even though she doesn't consider what her siblings did to be the best thing, she still accepted that it's happening because they are her siblings and she also wants them to get who they want in life...but doesn't see that for herself.

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  80. So this is actually why she could never tell me directly that she loves me. I also found out that...ever since I expressed my love to her in the beginning, she was always planning on telling me "No" one day, no matter what her feelings were for me. So now in 2015, she's in her 20s and still has never told me that she loves me. In fact, she told me "No" already and completely denies the fact that she loves me and even once tried to deny that the whole situation is totally influenced by her mother. She wants to end it by making me think that she's never had feelings for me. Luckily, I have proofs that show how she expresses her sadness about why she can't tell me "yes" for our marriage, even Facebook statuses over the years where you can see her sadness in this marriage is not meant to be and how she just has to "let it go" and accept fate. Nobody realized exactly why she was writing it at the time because they just never knew she even loved me. They thought she was writing it because she likes a particular quote. But it is completely in line with what her actual words..the words she said to my best friend about why she can't say yes to me. So it isn't a fluke that she posts something that is so obvious that she's expressing her sadness about the situation. I know someone may see this and feel bad for her and may feel like I should let her go since she wants to just accept her fate, let it go, and please her mom i.e. not cause controversy. But no one realizes the position that I am in. This is either going to end well or everyone at least knows the truth about the situation and why it didn't happen.

    Whenever anyone asks her regarding me, like her siblings, she just tells them no... that she doesn't have feelings. Because she *knows* that they will help convince her mother if she says yes. But because of that, her siblings think she doesn't love me because they each say, "she would've told me if she liked you". But they don't realize that the reason she doesn't it because she knows they'll do something about it and not want her to just "sacrifice". They also don't know all the proofs that I have where it shows what she has felt.

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  81. Her father has already expressed his happiness in allowing this marriage to happen so he is 100% for this marriage...but he is also told that she doesn't love me and he already knows that his wife doesn't want it. So he doesn't want her to marry someone she doesn't like. But what he doesn't fully know is that the reason his daughter doesn't openly say yes is *because* of his wife not wanting it.. not because she doesn't have feelings for me. So my job is to finish my studies, get a job, and then fight for the girl that I love. As sad as my situation looks, I may just have to show her Dad a few "light" proofs that show she actually has loved me and doesn't move forward because she "knows" it will never happen (even though, in actuality it may not happen because she won't speak up). So I hope her dad will be convinced easily that she does have feelings, and he will somehow take it out of his daughter as well and stop letting her cover up this situation to save her mother. Because she doesn't want her mother to look like the bad guy like her siblings unintentionally made her look when they wanted to marry the ones they loved. She wants to basically sacrifice... be someone who had to 'sacrifice her love for her mother'. It sounds nice but it's not a good way to live. It kills me and it will eventually be a regret in her heart one day in the future because right now she's just thinking about not causing her mom to get angry. But when her life turns out to not be so beautiful because the guy doesn't appreciate her as much I would have...when the guy doesn't realize WHO he got.. and I would have... she'll realize that she could've had her mother convinced even if it meant her mother feeling sour about it for a little while that her daughter's marriage happened with me. Her mother should be happy that her daughter was willing to sacrifice her love for her mother all these years and know that her daughter chose to subdue her feelings SOLELY for her mother. And that this marriage is only happening because of how important it is overall for ME and for her inner feelings that she suppressed,..and that it's NOT happening because her daughter ever wanted to go "against" her mother which is very clear because of her silence all these years.

    I love her too much. If her father stops this injustice from happening, hopefully she will be able to admit that *she does have feelings for me but she doesn't want to hurt her parents.* That's all I want her to do, nothing more. If that can be taken out due to her father saying how he is convinced that she is not telling him the ultimate truth of what she feels, then her mother can be convinced after that with love and care. This situation is very difficult, especially if you were to meet her mother. You will realize why it's hard. Since she is the last child to get married, her mother is already being even more passionate about this... telling one of her son's when he tried to bring our topic up to her at one point in order to maybe convince her, "Stop talking about her, you got to marry who you wanted, now the responsibility of who she marries rests upon me." So she's basically saying, "You went against my wishes and made me accept your marriage to whom you wanted, now you're not going to do this for your youngest sister and try to convince me. *I'm* gonna decide who she marries."

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  82. Everyone is okay with the marriage *except* for the girl herself and her mother --- the girl because of thinking about her mother... and her mother because of *herself*. My dad will also be speaking with her father when the whole issue will finally be brought up. Regardless of what happens, everything is going to be brought up. It is not fair that she had to keep her mouth shut all these years and never be able to express her feelings to me. If anyone else were in my situation, they would've left the girl because they really wouldn't care that much to stay in this when the girl has done this to them. But I truly... love her. How can I ever leave her side and not fight this til the end when I *know* she has loved me all these years but couldn't directly talk to me about it and tell me her situation? I've waited all these years for her and, if necessary, will wait til eternity as long as she doesn't marry someone else who her mother arranged it. Because obviously then, I will have to leave her life and world at that point... and well :( ... I choose not to express anything further regarding that.

    I am only focusing on her accepting this marriage one day. Because I know there's no way in hell she would rather desire choosing a random arranged marriage over the one she has loved deeply. She is just not that type of person to do that in a perfect situation. I can say for a fact that she would have said yes to me a long time ago and also accepted this proposal if the situation was such that her mother never had a problem with her offspring marrying whom they wanted and never had a problem with her wanting to marry someone who she loved. Even if she were shy, she would have eventually said yes by now. I know her well.

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  83. I remember when I sent her a message almost 4 years ago because I heard that the topic of her marriage came up because of another relative and that relative was discussing it within the context of an arranged marriage with her mother. So in my message, I told her how I felt and how I'm scared to lose her to some random guy and how I love her and all that. She didn't reply directly. She just asked me which relative discussed this and that I should not lie about who it is. That's all she wanted to know. So I told her and then continued on about how I wish she would express her love to me now and how I make it so easy for her to talk about this openly with me. Of course she didn't reply to it. That has always been her way to avoid the situation. But the very NEXT day, she put up a status that said,

    "Destiny decides who touches your life. Your heart decides who touches your soul."

    I *hope* you guys can understand why she is writing that based on the messages I was sending to her the day before. Like I have said, Facebook statuses were always a way for her to express her feelings because she bottles stuff up inside. I was stupid and I didn't realize at the time that she is actually answering me!!

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  84. And 14 days later, while we still haven't talked really at all since that day I told her about the discussion of a relative and her mom, she put up another status that said,

    "Maybe some things just aren't meant to be and you have to accept everything the way it is :)."

    So I know for sure what she is talking about. You know, now I realize that, throughout the years, she DID want me to know that she loves me too but that she can't marry me because she doesn't want to hurt her family. She just wanted me to *know it* and just never bring it up to her or anyone. She wanted me to just *acknowledge* that... and never do anything about it... i.e. try to convince her parents to let her marry me in the end. So that I just live my life knowing that the girl I loved...loved me too. Cute but sad story. But you all can understand how that can NEVER happen for me... she is my everything. I can't just "let it go" for the girl that I have loved for so long IN THAT WAY.. more than anyone in this whole world.. And so I need to say anything and everything I can when the time comes. Hopefully, it works out for me.

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  85. So anyway, if you did read this really, really LENGTHY post and reached the end then thank you SO much. And if no one reads this fully, then I guess I can still treat it as a way for me to express my feelings and just get some of my thoughts written down. If you want to say anything please do, but please only words of encouragement or a strategy on how to make this marriage happen with the pleasure and sincere acceptance of everyone especially she and her mother. Because this situation is very delicate and dear to me. Either I get her through her father's efforts, my efforts, anyone else's efforts in making her finally admit it so that the convincing her mother part can become much easier on us all... or I don't get her and she will always know in her mind how she chose to marry who her mother would gladly accept but left alone the one she sincerely loved from the bottom of her heart. I pray to God that it's the former! I humbly request any believer in God to also pray for this, please :( ... Means a lot...

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    1. I've read your entire story, and I'm sorry to say this, but to me it sounds like either your cousin does not want to directly reject you, or she HAS rejected you but you're in denial about it. She refuses to confess her love for you (if it exists) directly, so you infer she loves you from her Facebook posts. Have you thought that perhaps she is trying to give you a hint that she doesn't want to marry you? If her father and everyone else supports this marriage, and if her siblings have broken the arranged marriage tradition, then it shouldn't be so hard for her to also fight for "your love." But I think her mother's rejection of you is this girl's way of rejecting you without outright telling you to leave her alone. Guys have to understand when a girl is trying to reject them.

      Of course I could be wrong, since I don't know her side of the story. But please consider her feelings and try to look at the possibility that perhaps she is refusing to say she loves you because she really doesn't love you.

      "Maybe some things just aren't meant to be and you have to accept everything the way it is :)." Personally, when I read this, it sounded like her message was directed at you but as a way of telling you to accept that she has no desire to be with you, and for you to finally accept that.

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  86. I need help too i am from andhrapradesh and my boyfriend is Pakistani grew up here in states and on top of it we are same sex couple.

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  87. My mom found out about my black boyfriend from a

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  88. I am only 16 but madly in love with my black boyfriend. My parents are Pakistani but I live in Canada. My mom found out about us a couple of days ago from her co worker (her co workers son saw us kiss at school) my mom was very angry and beat me and told me that all he wants is sex cuz hes black I told my boyfriend this and he said he doesnt want me to get in trouble so it would be best to break up. But ever since he hasnt let me hold his hand or kiss him in public and I want to be with him again.. My dad would kill me if he ever found out but honestly I love my boyfriend so much and we want to be with each other but hes so scared. How can we still hang out without my family knowing? My sis goes to the same school as us but she will graduate next year. We have one class together this semester and usually hang out at lunch as we have the same friend circle. Please help I want to be with my baby again my love my forever my everything

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  89. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  90. I am 29 year old indian/punjabi girl who live in one european country, in which my parents have lived for 30 years and I met my white boyfriend on another european country while I was studying. As far as for stereotypes, i am a medical doctor now doing my specialization with a good salary. I moved to a separate apartment in a small town away from my parents when I moved back after my studies leaving my bf behind. He left his job/family/friends etc to come and live with me after a few months. He learnt the language and just started working as a logistician. He comes from a poor family, which my mother finds impossible to accept, in her head poor=bad. Thats so stupid. We have been together for 6 years and i told my mother about him 4 years ago that I wanted to marry him. Hell broke loose and she threatened me to my life, my sisters life and that she would commit suicide if I would marry him +fathers heart attack bs. Years past after that conversation and she didnt mention him, neither did I, but i kept seeing him. Now he is here, we are living togther and my parents are pushing me to marry some " nice indian guy".... Where I live there is no indian community so I cant understand how they expected me to find someone naturally in the first place... they have put "ads" in various papers and dating sites in my name, which i find ridiculous. They expect me to move abroad for marriage only. My sister have met him and likes him, my brother knew of his existence before, but havent met him, nor does he know he is here living with me. I am the oldest sibling which i think makes it more difficult for me. My mother is emotionally blackmailing me, during the years giving my brother more money than me, buying him a flat etc. Being nicer to my siblings than to me. Telling them how much they will get in heritage. The other day she asked about him for the first time in years, and started to curse him, calling him names just to see me suffer, to see how much she could upset me. She threatened me to death again. She thinks he is still in his home country. Its been years all together, and she still doesnt accept. I dont know how I should proceed. Perhaps get help from my siblings and then tell my father, or let my mother tell my father. I believe he will disown me, not hurt me. But my mother i dont trust, she talks like a psychopath. At times I am afraid of her, at other times I pity her. I believe she can not understand what I have because she never experienced it herself. Perhaps there is jelousy, that i had the chance to see the world much more freely than her, that I had the opportunities that she never got... Even though she might feel that I owe her my life, i dont agree with that. I am thankful for all taht they gave me, but I cant sacrifice my life for her/them in this way. Some days i feel strong to fight back, others I feel im breaking inside. I am sick of this, what they make me do, make me lie, make me feel guilt. Arent they the ones who claims they dont wont anything but my happiness!? I will try to be patient and let time speak for itself. I am no teenager with young love, I am an adult who take many life-changing decisions every day for others in my work, but it feels I have no claim over my own life. My mother makes me feel completeley worthless, and even if I know she is the one who is doing wrong by me, I cant help but feel so much guilt. I am sorry for the randomness of this post, but its difficult to keep order within all emotions and thoughts.

    Thanks for this blog, its gives much hope! XO

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    1. I feel your pain. It's really hard when your parents say they only want you to be happy, but when you choose something that makes you happy which makes them uncomfortable, it's clear your parents want you to choose differently. Indian parents don't seem to value a good honest person as much as they value caste, religion, traditions, job, etc. I think this is really sad and something that needs to change.

      What happened with your situation? Did you end up telling your family?

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    2. Hi... I was back here reading the posts again for some console. My parents have been sending me pictures of Indian guys ( all strangers living abroad) for the past year.My mother called me last week and wondered if my boyfriend wasn't dead yet, if that's a wish of hers or just a way to ask if we haven't broken up yet I don't know but sounded so ugly. We have been together now for 7 years and in the coming weeks I'm gonna tell them I am marrying him, not just intending to but going to. I am expecting hell to break loose, nothing less. Wish me luck.

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  91. My American gf is just 18. This may seem immature, but once I got to know her, she is better than many Indian girls. She is smart, funny, and realistic. The problem is that, I'm 29. She's totally committed to me, but I'm not sure how to tell my parents about her. They'll flip out, because she's American and so young. They'll think it to be foolish. And possibly arrange an arranged marriage. I don't want to hurt anyone, so I'm too confused. After two failed relationship with Indian girls... That didn't even last one year... This has lasted 2 years. Any advise and help would be appreciated.

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  92. My American gf is just 18. This may seem immature, but once I got to know her, she is better than many Indian girls. She is smart, funny, and realistic. The problem is that, I'm 29. She's totally committed to me, but I'm not sure how to tell my parents about her. They'll flip out, because she's American and so young. They'll think it to be foolish. And possibly arrange an arranged marriage. I don't want to hurt anyone, so I'm too confused. After two failed relationship with Indian girls... That didn't even last one year... This has lasted 2 years. Any advise and help would be appreciated.

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  93. I am an indian woman 41 years old and single. My parents and I live in the US but in different states. I recently started dating again after a long time thinking I should not give up on love. My parents would not have a problem with me dating non-indian men. However recently i met a man that i didn't know that well and found out I am 6 weeks pregnant. I have told the guy but he never wanted a relationship with me. I can't believe how stupid i have been but i want this baby. Its my first and i may never find mr. right. I am not sure my parents will understand and i feel alone. Anything like this happen to anyone? any advice?

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  94. Thank you for starting a blog such as this. As you can see it has helped many others who are relating to the same issues. I too am in the same boat. I am currently dating a South Indian guy. We are very serious and have plans to marry this summer. He has mentioned me to his parents a few months back and they went nuts. They threatened to disown him if he ever married me and take him off the inheritance. I am everything they don't want.. I'm not Indian, Hindu, not a doctor, and nor do I come from wealth. To add on top of all of this I was previously married and have kids from my previous marriage which they are clueless to. He says that he wants to sit them down face-face a month or so before we marry and tell them everything. He says that he wants to give them a chance, bc afterall they are his family as he says, and if they don't except which he doesn't expect them to then he will move on. I feel horrible that this is happening and desire more than anything for their approval and acceptance not only for our marriage sake but more than anything for him. Those are his parents regardless and the hurt that has to accompany that has to be devastating. It's heartbreaking that our marriage will be frowned upon without them even giving me a chance bc I'm simply not a south Indian hindu wealthy girl.

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  95. Thank you for starting a blog such as this. As you can see it has helped many others who are relating to the same issues. I too am in the same boat. I am currently dating a South Indian guy. We are very serious and have plans to marry this summer. He has mentioned me to his parents a few months back and they went nuts. They threatened to disown him if he ever married me and take him off the inheritance. I am everything they don't want.. I'm not Indian, Hindu, not a doctor, and nor do I come from wealth. To add on top of all of this I was previously married and have kids from my previous marriage which they are clueless to. He says that he wants to sit them down face-face a month or so before we marry and tell them everything. He says that he wants to give them a chance, bc afterall they are his family as he says, and if they don't except which he doesn't expect them to then he will move on. I feel horrible that this is happening and desire more than anything for their approval and acceptance not only for our marriage sake but more than anything for him. Those are his parents regardless and the hurt that has to accompany that has to be devastating. It's heartbreaking that our marriage will be frowned upon without them even giving me a chance bc I'm simply not a south Indian hindu wealthy girl.

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  96. If your relationship with a telugu man doesn't work out due to family pressure don't stress be thankful because later on mummys boy is going to side up with her anyway and you will be seen as the 'foreign' girl.trust me i am in this situation his parents were convinced on the basis that i was loaded and would convert to telugu. My husband is a spoilt self centred man who just wanted a mummy to take care of me and cannot accept my apparently 'foreign' views that marriage is a partnership. Im raising our baby on my own because of his belief that a womans role is to do the housework and raise the kids...he does love that i have a job and make money and he doesnt have to support me financially but he did expect dowry too as i later found out. Mummys boy. Gosh better to break up during this 'convincing' phase then suffer later.

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  97. Thanks alot for this article. I am currently in a similar situation but I am actually the Asian boyfriend who has to tell his parents about a UK girlfriend. It is amazingly stressful as I am only 27 and want to focus on my future career rather then just get married for no reason. But it seems to be so hard to convince parents about this.

    We come from quite a political/high background with alot of respect in the society. My parents keep coming with the old adage that dont ruin the familys name and what would other people say. There is ofcourse emotional blackmail such as 'we should have never sent you to the UK' etc. It gets really hard as they talk about disowning and currently I am not fully independent.

    I dont really know how to break it to them, I am thinking of getting a job atleast and then thinking about it. Any advice would be appreciated :)

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  98. Everyone here is blaming parents..I am soon to become a father of a girl & I know how much I would love her & i know no one else can think of her true well being than me. You won't realise what parents are till you become one.

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  99. Thank you for an amazing post. I am a 25 YO Indian Man. I have a friend who is Chinese and i love her. we are both in US. we have been together for four years. Recently, my parents have started pushing me for the arrange marriage. And I told them that I like this girl. They freaked out and we basically fought for 3 days exchanging a lot of questions but they are not happy with it and close to enforcing emotional blackmail. But my problem is that I do not know if the girl loves me or not. I think she does but I feel she is going through the same process I am going through as her parents being conservative as well. By doing this i have created doubts in parents mind and they are forcing me more to date Indian girl. Now, I do not know what steps to take and very confused. I will appreciate any guidance in this situation.

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  101. I actually have a situation as well and I would like to get your advices, help and insights. I'm a Hindu Indian and my boyfriend is a Baha'i Indian.. His family has given 1 to 2 years for my family to be convinced for our marriage. I told my parents before about him but they went frantic and I slowly slowly tell them about him, but they give a weird face. So please can any of you help me about how to tell my family that I like him.. Thanks

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  102. Im an Indian girl living with my Australian partner. My very liberal and unconventionally Indian mother somehow won't accept the reality. Also, she kinda flipped when I told her I wasn't getting married or having kids. I am very surprised. Now all she does is cry and blame herself for how she raised me (to be independent), and try and guilt trip me majorly! :-(

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  103. Hi everyone,

    I am an Indian girl whose with a black guy for a few years now. I really don't no how to tell me parents. I love him with all my heart but I just can't find the courage to tell my parents. I've made him wait for so long and it's unfair on him, but I'm struggling to tell my parents. We both want to get married and settle down now, but I can't bare the thought of going through the blackmail and pain. Please tell me how I can deal with this. I'm so stressed.

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  104. Hello,
    I'm a 28yr South Indian girl from Sydney, have lived here for over 20 years and have very traditional and conservative parents. My older sister had an arranged marriage and is married with kids.

    My family wanted me to also go down the arranged marriage path, which I tried but it didn't work out. I was seeing someone for about 2 years and never told my family because I didn't see a future there.

    My issue now is this: I met a wonderful guy about 2 months ago that I really like. He is Fijian Indian, raised a Catholic and he is a divorcee but no kids. I met his family who are lovely and in the interests of respecting my family, I told them about him yesterday.

    Turns out, they are completely against the situation and kept asking me why I wanted someone who was already "experienced in marriage" and that I can do better etc. My parents don't believe in relationships before marriage, like alot of Indian parents. My sister is just as traditional so she's not an ally.

    I feel really alone. We haven't even decided to get married or anything, I just said he's someone I like but already they want me to end this before it gets more intense. I really want to see where this goes and don't want to end it because of what they said. Any advice? Do you think my parents will come around if we do decide to stay together long term?

    Thank you.

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  105. Oh my, am I happy to have found this post. I am currently dating and Indian guy that was brought up Hindu but is an atheist like myself. He has told his parents about me, I am the 2nd white girl he's dated. He introduced her previously and it did not go well. They do not approve of our relationship because I'm not Indian and not Hindu. His mother told him that white people hate Indians and that I will just break his heart like his ex...she cheated. We have an amazingly loving relationship and we are well suited. I haven't met them yet but will most likely meet them before December. His brother got married to an Indian girl that was Muslim, she converted but they still haven't really accepted her. I get along with them really well.
    I have no idea what to do when I meet them as I would at least like to make a good impression. I know they might never really accept me but I love their son.

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  106. Hey i am an indian . Very true description about majority of Indian parents mindset . They have a problem if indian girl loves a indian guy of a different caste . It's almost next to impossible to make them agree .

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  107. Hi i'm a filipino girl in a relationship with an indian guy (punjabi). he went for a vacation in India and not knowing that he got married there before he come back here in Canada. When i found out everything he said that he was just emotionally blackmail that time that's why he married the girl but he loves me so much so he is willing to file a divorce with the girl. I got so hurt to think that I've trusted him a lot with everything but still he married someone in India. I felt like the man that I love a lot betrayed me. I'm still afraid that he is gonna dump me and follow his parents decision in the end even if he is telling me stuff like he is gonna fight for me, telling me just to have patience and wait for him to fix everything. We love each other a lot. I always feel his love because he is showing it to me all the time it is just that whenever I'm thinking negatively about the situation like he is still married I always ended up fighting with him and crying because it is hurting me so badly and I'm scared that he might gonna dump me soon. But I know to myself that i love him a lot. And it is even more hurting me thinking that he is gonna give up on me. Please give me an advice if wether it is right to stay in a relationship with him and wait for him until he gets a divorce and figh for me? What things should I do to make him feel that I'm always at his back, that i am staying until he file a divorce even if some times I'm thinking negatively? Or should I just choose to move on and let go?

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    Replies
    1. I am really sorry to tell you (and anyone else who is reading) this, but please do not believe the story that they "went for a vacation not knowing and suddenly got married"...these matches do NOT happen over night, in fact many happen over a period of months or even YEARS. Do not feel sorry for these people who are lying about being "suddenly forced into marriage"...trust and believe, they were probably WELL AWARE that they were going back to India for their wedding. After all, they were engaged without you even knowing! The engagement comes before the marriage (obviously) and both bride and groom (and respective families) are all involved and on board. I am very sorry, but you were lied to. I suggest reading ALL of Alexandra's blog, many people have written in with very similar questions and concerns.

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  108. Hi my name is jayna I'm 22 years old I've been dating my English boyfriend for almost a year now and just recently I have told my mother about him she seemed to be okay about it my older sister isn't to pleased about it though as she's got to find an Indian boyfriend..I still have to tell my dad but he is protective over me any advice?

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  109. Hi, I'm in the same situation. Like what you call initial stages. What makes matters worse is i'm a black guy and she's from South India. I was raised well by my parents who have been married for more than 35 years and still together now, i mean its from my parents that I learnt how an ideal family should be like and what makes a good husband and father. Her parents's friends had worse relationships with other black guys so they judge me according to what happened in theirs friends relationship. At the moment things are worse for the both of us and really we see no hope and she cries a lot when she thinks about our future. i mean i dont blame them for thinking such about us i understand they are trying to protect their daughter. So far thats my situation.

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  110. I've read this blog many times, reading some of the comments put me at ease knowing I'm not alone. Makes me a little sad that it has to be such a tough journey to pursue love. However it also makes me happy knowing how determined many biracial couples are.

    I'm a 26 year old Indian girl (feel like I'm old enough to make my own life choices!) in the same dilemma. I told my parents when I was 2-3 months into the relationship (told them it was longer of course) because I hated lieing to my Mum, she's like my best friend. So I told her. Although this was a bad idea as everything turned into custard. There was a lot of emotional blackmail and ultimatums. I was practically disowned within 24hours. I left home... I told them I'm not with him to put their minds at ease.. which was probably not the best idea. However in the level of distress I just wanted it to all stop. This year has been a mental and emotional rollercoaster because I just want to tell them! It's such a heavy weight to carry. We are still together and doing well, we've been together for 15months now and it has been amazing. I've met a lot of his family and feel very welcomed and loved. However I'm going home for the holidays which I'm dreading. This makes me sad because going home should be something to look forward to. I don't know if I'm going to tell them. Not before New Years anyways. Not sure what to do. I'm the eldest in the family with four very young siblings - very excited to see them! But not looking forward to arranged marriage talks. I feel like I will tell them after New Years because it's just too much lieing and it really does eat me up. My white boyfriend feels pretty helpless but is willing to do anything which I'm grateful for.

    If anyone has any advice feel free to comment, it's just nice to get this off my mind and share similar situations.

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  111. Hi my names Jayna I remember commenting on this 2 months ago about my dad being over protective well turns out he's fine about me and my English boyfriend he's supportive about it, I've been dating him a year now and I seriously couldn't be happier to the fact my parents know and they are happy as well I'm over the moon :) thankyou so much for this post it has truly helped me

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  112. Hi there.
    This site has given me an emmense sense of comfort knowing I'm not alone in this situation.
    I am Hindu and have been dating my Tamil boyfriend for 11 months.
    My parents are strict Hindus and I've been dreading telling them about my relationship.
    I have met my boyfriends parents and siblings and they have welcomed me warmly.
    I've decided to muster up the courage to tell my parents this coming weekend. Eeeeek!
    Thank you so much for this post. True love is definitely worth being brave for.

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    Replies
    1. Most Tamils are also Hindu - but most of them are non-vegetarian

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  113. Hey there,
    I am an ordinary indian guy and just 19 years old.

    Even telling my parents that i extremely love someone is enough reason for them to treat me a harsh lesson.

    We indians can't even love someone.
    This is a true shit about india and that is a major cause of increased mental stress in indian men.

    PS: I hate this system
    And i am jealous of americans, europeans, etc

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  114. SOME INDIAN MOTHERS ARE MENTALLY CHALLENGED THOUGH! LIKE MY BF'S mother. Since she found out about us she doesnt stop texting callin harrasing and questioning my bf "where he is and with who and what time he's home" blackmailing him and stuff!! I cannot stand her and I have no intention of meeting her!! She's mental!! We have a lot of arguments on that because he doesnt tell her off but he is telling me off!

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  115. Hello I am a Russian American women and been dating my husband for over 10 years and we married two years and we have beautiful baby girl who is 9 months old. My husband loom like ashamed of me and our daughter not telling his friends about our existence . I'm not sure if he told his family about us he said he did I never met them . please advice how to behave it's make me feel very happy.
    Thank you

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